Is there anything you can do?

First listen to your body and take notice of your gut instinct.

Work on Self.

You may experience heightened sensitivity due to the emotional or psychological distress you have going on so it’s good to speak to this about a counselor. This also acts to record your concerns, that you can refer back to at a later date. (If it gets to the Police, their investigation will be interested in who you told and when and the actions you have taken to make yourself safe and deal with the emotions of the situation). The body knows discomfort, the sympathetic nervous system senses fear and whilst the brain will try to rationalise these emotions with thoughts of ‘minimisation’ to reduce anxiety and fear, it’s about taking responsibility for own safety and proactively setting up boundaries that protect not just the physical but the emotionally and psychological.

Communication

Relationship break ups or communication breakdowns impact on our sense of self, who we thought we were and the value we have in the world. We are more sensitive during this time, less resilient and it takes energy to stabilise the swirl of emotions that comes with change, loss or hurt.

Get help with defining your boundaries, Counselling or Courses. Being able to communicate boundaries and the message clearly to the stalker, in person might be difficult for you, you can do it in an email, vetting it with a trusted and rational friend or via a third party such as a private investigator or lawyer.

Communication is about tone and language and being nice about it or acquiecising to the engagement may be seen as a sign of hope for the stalker. Be respectful, direct and concise. Outline the unacceptable behaviour you have observed or have knowledge of, the conversation topics that are off limits if you continue to communicate, and the consequences if these requests are not respected.

Identify thresholds and Deal breakers. Decide what you will tolerate and when you will take action, knowing it is not linear and conflict can escalate quickly. If you do not know their identity, report any incident immediately to the police so they can start the investigation. Include registration numbers, description of person and clothing and observations you made. Much of the advice is to not approach the stalker in your life, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take a photo, or ask them if they are a private investigator. See below for reference of recording on your phone in a public place.

At what point, should you take action?

(ie. after a particular amount of time? incidences? type of incident? etc

Identity unknown
Previous abuse and violence in the relationship
Alcohol, drugs, financial abuse, mental illness or threats of harm
Threats of harm to Children
Unannounced or uninvited visits to home or work (attitude of entitlement) Calls, messages and emails that harass and intimidate
Escalating conflict, outbursts of rage, shaming, slamming doors, breaking property, breaking into home, not returning keys,

It’s important to know the difference between resolving normal conflict in a relationship and escalating conflict. This is the tipping point when respect is lost and there is an obvious attack taking place in the attempt to regain or have control over the target.

Previous Abuse

If your relationship has recently broken down and you have been subjected to previous abuse or violence I would recommend you report every incident that threatens, intimidates or harasses you. This is that uncomfortable feeling where you feel scrutinised, like you are not free to make choices or you will be chastised for a choice you make.

Influencing and Contributing Factors

In particular if alcohol, drugs, finance, children, physical threats are a contributing factor to the conflict then it’s important to report the incidents or at least record them in a journal. You are entitled to a period of recovery, time to sort things out and the opportunity to find support for your emotional wellbeing.

Whilst this might sound like it is being over pre-cautious, the month after leaving a relationship is very unstable and emotive. And I’m sure you have put up with much more inside the relationship than you deserved and now this is about establishing new and protective boundaries.

Escalating Conflict and Abusive Behaviour

If there is hostility, resentment, anger, frustration, disrespect, conflict, abuse, unkindness, bullying, name calling or demands and you feel it is likely to escalate if you disagree with or challenge them I would recommend you take evasive action, record the conversation on your phone or report the incident to police, counsellor or government support.

Stalking

If the stalker is lurking near your work, driving past your home, making unwanted calls or you receive apology cards, strange deliveries from restaurants or parcels stores you haven’t arranged, these should also be reported. Record in a journal and keep documents as part of your evidence file. Whilst they are not life threatening incidents you may be able to seek an order that restricts him from coming within the area.

Intimidation

Finally, if he turns up to your home unannounced, arrives to meet you at work without notice or interfere with travel, social events or family relationships, report these incidents. As you are no longer a couple he doesn’t have access to you or your life and it is the ultimate in disrespectful behaviour after having asked him to leave you alone.

Unwanted phone calls

If you are receiving phone calls or message you can block unknown numbers and request you telecoms company to conduct an investigation. Report the time, date and number. Depending on the nature of the call they may advise you to report it if it has continued over a period of time or the call created distress and instilled fear. Telstra operates a specialist Unwelcome Calls Centre to assist customers who are receiving unwelcome telephone calls. You can:

Help them with an existing enquiry (e.g. report times of calls so that we can investigate further)

Request that Telstra remove equipment or services from your telephone service.

Your best bet is to give Telstra a call and notify them of the unwelcome calls. They can then arrange a Malicious Call Trace to be placed on your line. If you’ve found a solution then don’t forget to mark that post accordingly.

If you suspect it is a private investigator follow them to their car and record their registration number and report it to the police, it will form part of their investigation. They may or may not tell you if they are but if they say I can’t tell you, it’s likely it is. Otherwise it will be a straight No.

Report to police if you fear for your safety and you have the details of the stalker and you believe they have cross your threshold. It is important to report their behaviour and the impact it is having on your day to day activities. Have you stopped going out, going to your favourite places to avoid conflict or confrontation, have you seen them coincidentally or been receiving phone calls.

If the harassment or stalking is happening in a public space, you also have the right to record what is happening on your phone. This will serve as crucial evidence for the Police, in particular if it involved the police attending.

As you can see taking action depends on a matrix of factors

So work on the personal boundaries, thresholds and deal breaker model. It is a very personal matrix that allows for tolerance, generosity of thought and resilience, but does not overextend into enabling. Most people want to resolve the conflict and the stalker isn’t equipped with the communication skill set to do that……. yet. This experience is giving them the opportunity to learn them. Don’t deny them of that.

Consider the type of interaction, location and behaviour. Once may be a coincidence but the behaviour at the time indicates the intention – to embarrass, to engage, to approach, to get a reaction.

In one particular story, an ex partner heard his partner was down the snow with a friend several weeks after the break up. They deliberately then made arrangements to attend an event and hang out with her friends at a function. This was both distressed for her friends and the victim. He made disparaging comments and spread rumours.

As humans we develop routines and rituals, it helps us to feel safe, organised and secure.

Showing up at the coffee shop where she gets her double shot latte every morning before heading into the office and claiming it to be a coincidence is not going to wash with anyone.

Going to the supermarket, gym, school drop off, at the time you know she is going to be there will also bring attention to the stalker.

We are attached to the way our lives flow and feel. We have habits that reinforce friendships and connections and they know this. These are the intimate details of a victims life that are weaponised against them in the breakup. It also depends on the breach of security you have experienced. If they have accessed your phone, diary or computer – they may have numbers, addresses or a schedule.

What is the first step you should take?

Adapt routines and rituals that keep you situationally safe, physically. Try a different coffee shop, reschedule appointments, take a different route or transport to work.

Building your confidence and preparing yourself for a confronting conversation. The stalker is seeking a resolution on topics or issues. Your refusal to meet this need is frustrating and creates resentment but dealing with conflict is not easy.

Conflict Resolution. Prepare yourself, define your issues, You do not have to explain, justify or defend your decisions and neither do they but if they have said something to make you believe they wish to harm or cause disruption to your life – threats, conditions, Offer a one meeting opportunity to resolve conflict with a mediator or negotiator. Clear intentions, empathy not apology. Make it known that conversations make you uncomfortable and that you are asking him to respect your space and time. Hold space for their emotional responses, do not rescue, do not engage, do not take personally.

Plan. Ending the relationship may take time, depending on complexity of finance, children, housing etc. Make a plan moving forward, that doesn’t accomodate his wishes or needs. You have rights and responsibilities and both must respect each others.

Access the relevant services that enable you to mediate or negotiate.

Counselling work is best done on your own to deal with trauma and come up with a plan.
Family Law mediators are great to assess the situation and future.
Police are trained to respond to a crisis, a critical incident or investigate behaviour that puts you at risk of harm.

A belief or suspicion that he is stalking or harassing you is enough to warrant an investigation with the police, yet providing evidence is crucial so they can formulate an allegation. Present information regarding your previous relationship and the incidents during this relationship, including the impact of his behaviour on your choices.

Police will require a statement relating to the relationship, incidents and circumstances that have instilled fear, engaged in repeated unwanted behaviour or interfered with your day to day activities.

Should you respond to the stalker?

Most organisations advise against it, see previous matrix conditions where avoiding contact is highly recommended. Ideally, if the allegations were put to the stalker and a response given that either explains or justifies his behaviour it may resolve the situation.

A court appearance is a public place of embarrassment and humiliation and may fuel resentment and revenge. I have seen this many times and experienced it personally. Threats are then made against the victim to withdraw a protection order.

In my experience, it’s having the conversation that identifies their intentions. Discussing the outstanding issues or explaining the consequences of their behaviour that wards off further overt acts of stalking.

In some cases, this ‘investigation’ is seen as ‘intimidation’ by the police often resulting in the stalker retaliating or retreating and complaining about the cops. This could be in the form of counter allegations or denial and the Police interaction is weaponised by the offending party. But a conversation usually identifies the intention behind the behaviour. It’s then up to the police to assess the threat and risk which again if it doesn’t meet a standard of criminal proof, then becomes a limitation as to how they can help without further evidence or another incident happening.

Generally the approach by the Police evokes the feeling there are allegations of criminal behaviour, rather than seeking a resolution, providing protection for the other person being stalked or providing the stalker with the opportunity to air the greivences.

Why don’t Police take action?

This is mainly because if it doesn’t reach a threshold of criminality, it is known as a civil matter and is dealt with in the civil jurisdiction of the criminal courts.

Using the police to warn off your known stalker has its’ own issues. It may trigger an investigation, criminal charges and counter allegations. This is the fear of it all turning back on victims as they too are held to account for reactive abuse or behaviour the perpetrator deemed abusive.

This is where domestic violence investigations and the process can fail the person who really needs protection. Police are reluctant to become involved in ‘civil matters’ and their role in society as an authority deems them to intimidating because of the power they hold to remove freedoms and rights.

Hopefully you can see where this is going.

Police have been accused of intimidating the ‘alleged perpetrator’ without investigating the facts, as because this is not the policy that is legislated an allegation of intimidation or harassment against police such as ‘not doing the proper investigation’ highlights the weaponisation of this power imbalance. A formal investigation protects them from this. Protects the perpetrator from false allegations as well as the victim in the event something else happens. Without a formal report it may be difficult present this evidence in court.

We’ve seen the Police ‘threaten or intimidate’ a perpetrator with a criminal charge in exchange for changed behaviour. Whilst this is done with the intention of informing perpetrators there is a natural consequence to the behaviour and processing the complaint, an informal ‘threat’ can also signal they don’t have the enough to proceed with an investigation – reducing the weight of your claim, giving the perpetrator confidence his intentions are having an impact.

This ‘trade off’ approach is a form of coercive control, a technique taught to Police, Lawyers, Mediators and Teachers. They use the combination of commanding language, denial of natural justice (also referred to as respect) and their authoritarian role in society.

You see the fine line sits between trading freedoms and rights for compliance and explaining the natural consequences of behaviour.

If you’d like to know more about how perpetrators do that, read our Perpetrator psychology blog or listen to the All About AVO’s Podcast.

In summary, I guess what I am trying to say is that if you feel the need to call the police, it’s serious, very serious and whilst the system is designed with all the mechanisms to protect you, stop unwanted behaviour and send a clear message the behaviour is inappropriate, it’s important you recognise that this point in time is an important step in removing the fear from your life, restoring calm and peace in your mind.

Other Options To Consider

Engaging a third party. Asking a friend or family member could also make them a target, but don’t let that stop you from asking. Often a third party is right for the situation and you will know that.
Whilst a solicitor can formalise a notice outlining the unwanted behaviour and a clear message, they often use intimdiating and inflammatory language. Making demands to reach compliance similar to Police.
As the victim or your advocate, you can prepare a letter that becomes the first witness in a civil claim.
A private investigator can discover if you are being followed or stalked, conduct security and technical surveillance in person and online. They can also interview the stalker and provide a service of mediation or negotiation until such time as the crimes are identified and reported to police. They prepare statements, collate and catalogue evidence and act as the independent for witness testimonies.
Engage a mediation service, family law, negotiator or counselor.

In the end, minimising contact, refusing to engage and failing to supply them with the energy that fuels the conflict often delivers the best outcome, but not closure.

Acceptance, Acknowledgement and Apologies help to restoring self worth, communication and distance. It is not agreeing with the behaviour, but having compassion for yourself and for the situation you found yourself in.