The Research about the Rituals and Rewards at Christmas
that put Women and Children At Risk
“Over the Christmas holidays families are often
spending more time together and this can cause tension,
particularly where there are existing issues,”
Traditionally it’s a time of celebration. Letting our hair down, relaxing and reflecting on the year that was. We are all catching up with colleagues at end of year parties, hanging out with friends and of course doing those things family do in preparation for 24 hours of Christmas Joy. It’s meant to be a time of gratitude for the small gifts that life delivers and delivering the gifts we give to others in appreciation for their ‘presence’.
But for some women, the gift of safety is all they want for Christmas.
With the increased burden of visiting family or the expectation of entertaining at home. With the escalated pressure of having a clean house and preparing larger and more elaborate meals. With the stress of family gatherings and increased frequency of interactions, (that can easily be avoided during the year) – women in particular tell me about the conflict both inside their bodies and on the outside but inside their home. Tempers flare, tolerance is low, frustrations build and sensitivity is at an all time high.
Whilst childhoods are spent opening gifts, playing with cousins or feasting with families for hours on end those fond memories that we think will last a lifetime soon become the burden of overwhelm and a time of insecurity. For some women who are confronted with rituals that increase the risk of abusive behaviours and violence, a wicked combination of alcohol and Christmas Spirit can be a deadly recipe.
In my early 20’s I would work every Christmas as a sign of respect for those who had wives and children. And then as a single mum I had to find new rituals at Christmas, as I spent every second year without my boys. It was hard, but we would celebrate a few weeks before which meant the kids got two Christmas’s. I can look back now and say I made a pretty significant effort in the year I had them, it was fun and a lot of ‘work’. Shopping, cooking, cleaning and hosting was exhausting. I definitely felt the overwhelm and the burden as most of the responsibility fell in my lap. But it was a time of joy and I was grateful we were all in the same house, safe and sound.
There is an irony in that term.
In my off year I would be working. Front line inner city. The morning was often quiet, and we’d have time to have a coffee and get some paper work done. But by lunch time it was call after call for domestics and as the day got hotter, more alcohol got consumed and fun turned into a fiasco. Turning up to someone else’s Christmas because an argument had broken out or the conflict had escalated into a full blown fist fight was like a ‘box of chocolates’. Never quite sure what you are walking into or what flavour that situation was going to be. The dominating influencing factors were ‘family tension and alcohol’.
Someone invariably got locked up, all the hard work and effort by mums went to waste and the invisible fractures of relationships under strain had become Seismic waves of disruption and acts of retaliatory abuse. Job after job: domestic disputes, assaults and full scale brawls would bank up as we did our best to prevent the violence from continuing. As Police, we couldn’t tell their son to stop being an arsehole and picking fights with his brother. We didn’t have the authority to punish the husband for his affair. It wasn’t our place to resolve decades of resentment based on financial betrayal by the Uncle.
‘Seismic’
The sudden movement of materials within the Earth, such as slip along a fault during an earthquake. Volcanic eruptions, explosions, landslides, avalanches, and even rushing rivers can also cause seismic waves.
I had quickly learnt over the years why some family members avoided each other altogether, and others were overtly excluded. The ongoing rumblings of unresolved issues mixed with a little bit of resentment and served on a cold plate of offensive language certainly put a dampener on the one day of the year, that generates a trillion dollar present buying frenzy, all in the name of JOY. Gifts placed under the tree that were meant to express our affection and appreciation would often become the reminders of a really f*%ked up situation.
So you might be wondering what is the Gift of Safety affirmation campaign is all about?
THE STORY BEHIND THIS CAMPAIGN STORY
I can personally share that turning up to your extended family house for Christmas with resentment and rage having been insulted, offended and abused throughout the year, is as difficult as eating the dried out pork and overcooked ham they serve up.
My personal story of loathing Christmas dates back to 2013. Despite spending years attending violent domestics, accompanying assault victims to hospital and caring for children as their father was tackled to the ground after smashing the furniture and his wife through a glass panel, I was subjected to my own experience that changed the way I felt about Christmas forever. The meaning of the day now has a different one and the associated trauma took me years to overcome.
It was the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring………. until it turned into an alcohol fuelled party for one. My ex-husband. Having spent the late evening wrapping presents and setting the scene with footprints in the flour that was sprinkled carefully on the floorboards, I headed into the kitchen to say goodnight. Heavily intoxicated he walked in through the back door, blood dripping from his hand and a knuckle petruding. It was close to midnight and it was literally a ‘Jesus Christ’ moment. He couldn’t even mutter the words to say what happened and just stood there holding it in his other hand, head stooped and swaying from side to side as his feet struggled to step one in front of the other. I grabbed the icepack and a tea towel.
‘I’m fine’ he slurred. Anger, spite and resentment pierced my ears and physically pushed me back as he grappled with the coldness of the icepack on his skin.
Interestingly, my crisis management skills took over. I ignored his petty snipes and drunken groans, and called the ambulance. He was smashed, unable to walk, talk or stand without the support of the kitchen bench. I’m just going to say here, this was a red flag. As the Ambo’s coaxed him into the back of their van, the wash of contempt came over his face and his glance was one of blame, like I’d done something to make this happen. I could see he was embarrassed and ashamed. All I could think of was that come Christmas morning, he wasn’t going to be there to see the kids open their presents.
He had ruined Christmas.
As it was, he had to sort this out on his own, I had two small ones fast asleep in bed and no one to call to watch them if I went to the hospital. I was devastated, scared and disappointed all in the one moment and for the hours I couldn’t sleep I wondered, WTF?.
At some point he’d made it home and fell asleep in the spare room. The sickly smell of grog kept me from checking on him. After the kids woke me up around 5.46am to open presents I eventually went in to see if he was going to ‘do’ presents. I kept them occupied for a while and went in again around 7.30. He just rolled over and kept sleeping. We waited for a while longer and then despite several other attempts we opened a few presents, had breakfast and then waited again. By 11am there was still no sign of him. My heart broke every minute that ticked by and I guess I’m lucky the kids were so little they only remember the good stuff, because as a the functioning parenting that’s what you do. But as a mum and a woman, that feeling of ‘unsafe’ had crept in and set up residence in the pit of my stomach.
“How could he do this? how could he be so reckless? so inconsiderate? so self destructive? and Why?”
And so it was my considered and agonised decision to reach out to a friend, share the abuse I had experienced and the fear of violence that has been the inspiration behind this campaign. You see, even as the cop, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how bad it had to get before I called them, did something or left.
So even though my friend had her entire family over at her house for lunch, she invited me and the kids to come. She came and picked us up, witnessed the trail of blood and destruction and his drunken, naked body passed out. I left the house and the life we had built together behind that day, feeling sick and stripped of self worth. Managing each minute with deep breathe work, fighting back tears on the hour and closing my eyes only to see the scorn and hatred in eyes, having held accountable for the injury to himself. The kids had fun in the pool as I sat watching them play with a half a glass of chilled champagne that I couldn’t swallow, waiting for him to call to see where we were.
We had been welcomed into my friends home with open arms, no questions, big hugs and tissues at the ready.
He never rang, in fact, it was my mum who rang and asked where I was. He had rocked up to her house around 3pm saying he didn’t know where we were, as if nothing had happened. I read back over this story and can’t believe what I’m about to say. But……as I tried to speak to him about the events of the previous evening and the impact of his choices, his response was cold, disassociated and disrespectful. ‘I want to spend Christmas with my kids, if you are not going to bring them down here, Matt said he will come and get them’…….seriously.
I wasn’t sure how we were going to come back from this because there is a lot more detail that only the therapist got to hear. But one thing I do know is that the next three days was like trying to untangle the chaos he had unleashed whilst simultaneously restoring that feeling of safety I had the ‘night before the night before Christmas’ in my own home.
So, as you can imagine, Christmas didn’t happen for us that year, in fact it never really recovered. I was in the cycle of DFV. I never felt completely safe with him again. I learnt to shut down, avoid and manage those manic periods. I was emotionally destroyed by the disrespect, would be confused by the complete disregard and feel like a demolition yard on what should be a joyous day every year. Now, I didn’t report this to Police, knowing there wasn’t a hell of a lot they could do. But it was more so considering he was one, and it was about protecting him from what would happen that seemed the safer option. What I know now is that I not only enabled the behaviour but I allowed it to continue because this was a new threshold I learnt to tolerate, and over time I would have to convince myself it had to be worse that this for me to really take action, in order for it to be justified.
One of the takeaways I want you to know is that Rituals around ‘celebrations’ are a high risk factor and Police plan for it. They can’t always help, but inevitably by putting the same ingredients in the pot, you are going to end up with the same shitty stew. The ‘Gift’ for me that Christmas was not under the tree in our lounge room, it was my friend’s invitation to a somewhere free of fear and with people who made me feel safe.
What The Research Says
The number of domestic violence related calls are expected to surge again by 20 per cent during the Christmas-New Year’s break, due to alcohol, stress and a higher frequency of family gatherings.
Since 2018, calls to 1800 RESPECT have spiked by 22-28 per cent in the last three consecutive Decembers. NSW Police reported domestic violence call outs were 40 per cent higher in that month compared with the previous months like June when sporting events like The State Of Origin occur.
The Women’s Community Shelter has reported a 30 per cent increase in demand for beds over the same period.
It comes after research from 2018 found sporting events also led to a spike in domestic assaults according to The Foundation for Alcohol Research and Education and six years of data from the NSW Bureau of Crime Statistics and Research.
In 2018, Ashley de Silva, the chief executive of digital mental health service, ReachOut, said that although Christmas and summer holidays were synonymous with happy times, it can be a difficult time for many young people and their parents who are affected by family violence.
“Over the Christmas holidays families are often spending more time together and this can cause tension, particularly where there are existing issues,”
Christmas is traditionally a time of joy and togetherness for families, but for victims of domestic abuse it can be a time of intense trauma with statistics showing significant increases in reported domestic violence incidents during the Christmas holiday period.
In an article by Eryk Bagshaw on
Given that 1 in 4 women experience domestic violence, it’s highly likely that you know someone who is impacted by the abusive patterns of control or violence. This is a scary figure not only for the 1 of the four, but for the other 3 who may know them, because there is no postcode, race, age, status or social class to predict it and often it goes on behind closed doors.
In fact it can occur in any suburb at any time.
So, for those 3 of every four women there is an underlying hyper-vigalence that exists on a vibrational level of consciousness. As women, we know it is happening and often feel powerless to do anything about it. We try not to judge, try to understand and try to support our friend as we watch her struggle and recover. But there is something you can do. Be There! Remind them of their strengths and tell them that you are a safe place for them and that finding the confidence to feel safe #regardless is the work they need to do for themselves.
But it’s the research around the perception of mens safety that identifies it as a gendered issue.
Mens’ safety is different to women’s safety and even in an intimate relationship, men assume that based on how they see themselves that their partner knows that they are safe with them. But I am sure I am not saying anything someone hasn’t already said – they are wrong. Victims of domestic violence have shared that they never thought their partner would hurt them, threaten them, assault them or deliberately and intentionally choose violence to instil fear and intimidate them into submission. But then it happens or even gets a little too close to the threshold, and a new one is set.
That is the fear we smell.
Women are acutely aware of the risks to their safety and pay attention to their surrounds, having endured years of media and advertising warnings about dangerous locations and situations where they ‘should be’ on guard. It has been reinforced that they are less than capable of wearing the wrath of an angry man who they rejected and told to seek support from the person by the bar, asking ‘Angela’ to help. We have been told to not walk alone in the dark and carry devices that alert others so they can come to our rescue. Yet, when we are encouraged to report abuse that instils fear, that doesn’t leave a bruise or only appears to be a ‘verbal argument’ we are dismissed by Police as well as carry the burden of proof and the onus of holding the perpetrator accountable.
The focus must shift.
We are asking men to educate themselves about the impact of their behaviour on the perception of a womens’ safety. Just because it may not instil fear in them, doesn’t mean that someone else, in particular, their intimate partner or children aren’t impacted. Have you ever asked them if they get scared by you? Do they walk on eggshells when you are in your bad mood? avoiding, managing and complying to escape the possible?
The Gift of Safety is a conversation, in whatever love language you speak.
- It’s saying the words, ‘you are safe with me’.
- It’s asking the question, ‘do I scare you?’ and being prepared if the answer is yes.
- It’s reminding them of the promises you’ve made by offering reassurance if insecurity creeps in.
- It’s the small things that let her see you know what ‘safety’ feels and looks like for her.
- It’s driving a little slower, calling out disrespectful behaviour in others and respecting her choices.
- It’s the words, ‘I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here with you. I am here for you.’
- It’s confirmation they can cry, fall apart, be angry and frustrated without assigning fault and blame.
- It’s not taking things personally and validating the experience that has caused them to feel insecure.
- It’s doing what needs to be done to instil confidence in themselves and show up as that significant other who supports them.
- It’s enabling her to live without fear, to feel empowered in her decision making and encouraging her to create a life she feels secure in.
We all know what it isn’t.
But this year, some women just want the ‘gift of safety’ for Christmas.
Our gift of safety this Christmas is a small impactful token of affirming they are safe with you.
Our special blend of ‘safety’ is the scent that triggers the olfactory system during a ritual of self care that builds self worth and a sense of inner safety.
Combined with the empowering conversations that share the values admired by many and a t-shirt that declares #regardless of any situation, you got this!
We’ve designed a small token that represents what it is, A Universal Issue : Safety.
Whether it’s a gift for your intimate partner, your significant other, your best friend in need or a neighbour you know is in crisis, The Gift of Safety is the affirmation women want to hear. We’ve also created a FREE Safety Bingo card with strategies for women to help themselves feel safe and on the other side, 9 ways men can be proactive in helping women in their lives feel safe.
I have been silenced and so I thank you for your writing