Psychology of male offenders.

 

Why do men stalk women?

 

 

Historically In a patriarchal society, Men are conditioned to believe their place is at the head of the table and have the last word or make the final decision. It is a belief that their role as a financial provider makes their opinion and decisions more important and of higher value over women. There then is a complex dynamic of hierarchy between men and men.  To be seen as a ‘good man’ they must have control over their ‘woman’. Many men have not been taught how to deal with rejection, they are unable to process resentment in a healthy way and tend to engage in acts of violent revenge. Women have been taught to pacify their mans’ need, agree in jest and let them down gently so as to not embarrass them in order to  protect their ego .  The attitude of male primacy has been around for centuries, demanding women remain passive and compliant with their demands and needs, stay polite, small and respectful regardless of the way they are being treated. Any objection would be perceived as rudeness.

 

Womens Safety Vs Mens Safety

 

Women are well versed in managing relationships and women all have moments where they contemplate the potential risk of him having one more drink, getting in his car, going to his house, meeting up with him alone. The worst date for women is the story where her life was at risk, where she thought she might die, where she’s less than enthusiastically engaged to keep the situation calm.  Most women have had unwanted sex, 100% of my friends have admitted to it. The worst date for a man is going back to her apartment full of cats or the crazy next door neighbour. She wasn’t that into it, he’d say. She was an ordinary root or a bit psycho.

From the first date, a man is on his best behaviour, until he isn’t because he didn’t get what he wanted. The other respectful response is seen as rare, but can also be the sign of the ‘pleaser’ to gain conditional affection having been showered with attention.  He is teaching you how to get what you want, by pulling the puppet strings on when he gives it to you. In many relationships when expectations don’t align, resentment builds.

If there is rejection, and his win becomes a loss, the frustration may fester and subside and build over time. What they hear is not ‘maybe not right now’ but a hard ‘no’, a rejection.  In particular, with men who are socially conditioned or act on their ‘primal instincts’ to ‘win’ anything less is a loose.  They are then dealing or not so dealing with disappointment and  unmet expectations.

 

“Men are afraid women will laugh at them Women are afraid men will kill them” – Margaret Attwood

 

 

The evidence leads into the general belief that angry men will use violence and physical force to gain control over their target victim.

• 66% of victims in domestic violence are women.
• 55% of women who were murdered there was domestic violence
• In 93% of those murders the perpetration is their husband, boyfriend, intimate partner. 
• 98% of homicidal partners are male.

That extra 5% is the stranger or acquaintence. The ideas of safety between men and women differ in that a man’s safety relates to the environment and surroundings including other men, a womens safety is felt within her intimate relationships and self.  Men feel they have assumed protection.

This is the key strategy for a woman who is being stalked – lacking the confidence she is capable and has capacity to protect herself.

The Commission into Family Violence found that women have a collective and general mistrust of men after years of sexism and discrimiantion, and their definition of feeling safe relates to their physical safety around men, whilst for  men it is a psychological safety about being perceived as good, worthy and important. 

Women are warned not to walk alone, not to confront and comply in order to protect themselves. This message focuses on the victims response and not the male offenders behaviour, which in an intimate setting, is only held accountable by the victim.  There are so many strings attached to this accountability and being believed is one of them.  It may be necessary to comply to remain physically safe – yet the goal is to observe the potential risk without instigating actual events.

 

Enter the recent debate of consent.

It is the intimate knowledge of another person and using that to confuse, overwhelm or distract a victim that makes them feel physically unsafe or emotionally unstable. These little pieces of information are weaponised to create doubt in their own reality.

DISTABLISE,

DISTRACT,

DISTORT

 

Stalking and harassment is driven by the need of one party to resolve an internal mental or emotional need.  Such as to understand the why, to convince someone else of a different perception or to be believed. Stalking allows the perpetrator to reconcile the hurt, anger or pain that has been experienced and demand the closure or apology of wrong doing. It is driven by feelings of jealously, rejection, resentment, revenge, sadness, injustice and betrayal.   These have impacted on the individuals self worth, self esteem and self confidence. The intention of stalking is to control and manipulate the behaviour of another person, with the intention of causing pain similar to what they are feeling but the intention to harm comes with an elevated sense of entitlement, selfishness, disrespect and intimidation that makes the world of the victim smaller and less enjoyable. 

 

How do we ‘Weather the storm without bringing someone else into it and getting them wet.’

It’s always best not to assume the stalking will go away.

• You are not to blame, but you are responsible for your own safety, emotionally, physically and psychologically.
• Build confidence.
• Take practical steps to protect yourself, children and family.
• Share with family and friends.

Generally, Police and Organisations recommend giving your stalker a single clear message that you don’t want any of their attention or contact. 75% of stalkers are previous intimate relationships or friends. They have a intimate knowledge of your lifestyle choices, hobbies, hangouts and workplace. It’s best not to negotiate or reason with them, and to refrain from responding to insults or emails. How has that changed over the years, with the introduction of online stalking? The internet has made checking up on, tracking down, following and stalking partners easier.  Social media and devices leave digital footprints that with a little bit of stalking can provide a roadmap for potential harassment.

 

Generally happy and healthy people are keen to share their lives online.

 

 

Personal lives have become more transparent – people are open and honest with the main reason for sharing something online is having an emotional connection. Research says that experiencing a surge of emotion – positive or negative – makes us more prone to share news, stories, images or videos online, which in turn let’s others know about our feelings.  Sharing the wins and expressing yourself online is not as confronting as in person.

Now when the Dopimine hits the brain during connection it reinforces self worth, relevance and importance of self.  Connection is the integral ingredient in friendships whilst shaping the perception of the identity. Here’s the stats on why connection is so powerful.

People want to better the lives of others (94%)

People want the content to reflect their online identity (68%)

People want to grow and nourish relationships (80%)

People share because they like the feeling of having others comment on it and engage (81%)

 

Social Media platforms help showcase attributes, character traits and values.

 

 

They share valuable, enlightening and entertaining content to others and it helps define themselves to others (and to themselves, too) To get and stay connected to others. Without the wisdom or experience of friendships, online can feel real – social media allows for short and sweet exchanges and opens up the opportunity for misinterpretations, misunderstandings and just getting the whole situation wrong.   Seeing a life online is unrealistic, our egos protect us from crying in public, showing emotions that reflect poorly on who we thought we were. Situational context is manipulated and designed to evoke conversation, divide opinions and fuel conflict which grabs attention, drives influences and persuades thoughts.

Social Delema Cyber Stalking includes a variety of behaviours that include repeated acts of harassment and an invasion of privacy. These include impersonation, posting embarrassing or fake content, sharing intimate videos and images, repeatedly sending messages, emails and texts with content that annoys, intimidates or threatens physical safety and emotional stability.  This is a common method for the ‘just joking’ excuse. 

 

“Just Joking”

 

 

Often as there is no tone and context is random, it can be difficult to prove intent to harm, but there are ways to gather this evidence.  This is about dismissing your right to freedom, privacy and independence.

Intimate relationships come with a responsibility of privacy and sacredness.  Sharing this information is not just about teasing them in the private or an intimate setting, it is designed to humiliate, embarrass, control and scare the victim – with the intention to force her to comply, agree, change, distract, interfere with or damage her self worth.

The response and emotions to observe and recognise are

‘confusion’ – that’s weird. 

‘upset’ – that’s mean, inappropriate and not funny,

‘distress’ – that’s unacceptable and offensive,

‘fear’ – I’m scared.

 

Comments and Messages that are said like a knowing statement is the language of a stalker. 

A genuine friend asks a question or makes a statement with a curious tone inviting an answer. 

A stalker is not curious and wants you to know that they know. Something like ‘I saw you at the bar last weekend, I know what you’re up to’. ‘Someone told me you went to the club on Sunday afternoon.’  ‘Maybe you should be a little more careful where you park your car.’ It can be obvious or cryptic, but the content is relevant in context as normal friends don’t speak like that.

A friend would come and say hi to you at the bar, and wouldn’t suggest you were up to anything. 

There is always a purpose in a conversation, a statement saying someone saw you on a date and time is only the first part of a conversation, if they leave off the second part – it’s about leaving you to wonder what they know and put you on edge.

Young People and Social Media

Young people spend a lot of time on social media. They’re also more susceptible to peer pressure, low self-esteem and mental ill-health. A number of studies have found associations between increased social media use and depression, anxiety, sleep problems, eating concerns, and suicide risk.  Read more about online stalking here.

 

How important is evidence? How should one go about collecting it?

Most people stumble over the evidence in a bank statement, phone message or situational behaviour and get that feeling of somethings not right.  Other evidence is well disguised or dismissed because it is their ‘normal’. 

These techniques and tactics are found in coercive control relationships where abuse and intimidation are an everyday occurrence. The evidence is crucial, in particular, formulating allegations for crimes.

Stalking is a form of harassment under the Domestic Violence act 2007, whilst threatening phone calls or message are a crime under the telecommunications act.

https://humanrights.gov.au/our-work/we-all-have-right-feel-safe-and-respected

 

Are there any mistakes you can make when dealing with a stalking situation?

Assuming it will go away.

Not being prepared for the confrontation.

Not seeking support early.

Second guessing that gut feeling and not reporting incidents that seem trivial. 

 

I once had a parking complaint across a driveway that turned into a domestic violence investigation and stalking charge.  He parked the car a few blocks from the target and walked to her new apartment.   The car was actually registered in her name and when she said that her ex partner was in charge of the car, they established that he had left their young daughter home alone whilst he went to stalk her..  He was an ex-cop.

 

What are the challenges for police when dealing with accusations of stalking?

Time lines are critical and relying on memory is not reliable.  

Encouraging victims to report despite the fear of repercussions, backlash, retaliation or revenge.  It is better to shut the behaviour down and impose serious restrictions.

Victims hesitant to report, incase the relationship recovers. They do not want the relationship to end, they want the stalking and harassment, abuse and violence to end. They love, loved or still care for the perpetrator and don’t want them to be criminally charged……even though the result may see the magistrate order him to attend behaviour modification or anger management programs.   Convincing them there is a natural consequence for the behaviour is difficult.   They instantly think he will end up in goal.

Witnesses.  Because these matters are usually between intimate partners there are no witnesses to co-oberate the evidence.  The evidence needs to be tested.

Perpetrators lawyer up. It’s frustrating but when spoken to by police most offenders do not provide a version of events, choosing their right to silence which places the police in the position of taking formal action and investigating the matter through the criminal lens, not social justice or family law.  

Conflicting versions Current policy states there MUST be an investigation for Domestic and Family Violence and stalking is more likely to occur after a relationship has broken down or during its’ recovery.  The chaos is co-created in most relationships with both parties responsible for their part in the breakdown.  This may be contentious, but again it comes down to the communication styles and the levels of confidence they have to speak the truth in their relationship with the goal of growth and inter-dependence.  

When it is clearly a co-dependant or controlling relationship dynamic, the issues of escaping the relationship must first be addressed.  At the moment police are tasked with identifying the more aggressive party and slapping the AVO on that person rather than reporting the behaviour that contributes to the escalating conflict. 

In this respect, Police are forced to be pro victim, choose sides and then are asked to represent the victim even though they must remain independent and unbiased in the investigation. A problem that could be solved quite easily in this situation and I have a plan.

 

What legal steps can be taken?

Report incidents

Request mediation/apology

Application for Protection Order

Legal letters to cease and desist

Anti – Surveillance

 

How can a PI help?

Investigation is key.

They help to identify and categorise behaviour.

They can discern intention and agendas.

They can observe interactions and responses.

They can articulate the time line and analyse contributing and influencing factors.

 

What are the biggest challenges for people being stalked or harassed?

 

Confidence and Communication.

 

Understanding the options, pathways of conflict resolution, understanding themselves and the role they play and navigating the system and process of the courts.  

Evidence is a game not really understood and police use and abuse their autonomy and authority to determine the outcome based on their agenda – not the intention of the victims. People lack the knowledge of their human rights to live free from fear and without interference. 

The Universal Declaration of Human Rights, adopted by the United Nations on 10 December 1948, sets out the basic rights and freedoms that apply to all people. Article 3: Freedom from torture and inhuman or degrading treatment. Article 5: Right to liberty and security.

 

What is the most likely outcome of a protection order? 

Best Outcomes

• The protection order is granted and the perpetrator stops.
• The police investigator speaks with the perpetrator to establish intention.
• The perpetrator is charged with associated offences.
• The victim is protected from the perpetrator.

Other Outcomes

• The time since the application has seen no further offences committed and affords the perpetrator a warning, giving little or no protection to the victim.
• Not enough evidence to prove the intention of causing harm to the victim.
• Benefit of the doubt and given numerous chances.
• Currently police intervention is heavily legislated with limitations as to scope of investigation and the only look through the criminal lens. Evidence must meet criminal threshold. AVO has less.
• The Yorkshire Reaper is case that gives police immunity from duty of care to victims.
• Lawyers, judges, police get paid #regardless
• Victims are responsible for their own safety and likely to be cross examined and their version scrutinised to discredit the allegation and create doubt in the mind of the judge.
• The offender/perpetrator does not have to get in the box and be questioned about his behaviour.

Desired Outcomes 

• The recommendation should be a specialised court that requires full investigations and both parties to give evidence
• AVO’s are effective if used properly and investigated with objectivity.
• Remove onus on victim to hold perpetrator accountable. This is exhausting, time consuming and impacts on day to day stress.
• Protection orders successfully applied for personally by victims as they are much better at presenting their own evidence given the confidence, and when the process is explained. There is a negative bias that victims do not need protection when do not present cowering, upset, appear to be all messed up and destroyed.

https://havenmt.org/stalking-info

VICTIMS

If you are a victim of stalking, you need to understand that you are not responsible for the behaviour of the stalker and that you should not be blamed in any way.  If you are a victim of stalking, you should report it to the police so that there can be an investigation. If you have recently left an abusive relationship, you may be at risk of being stalked and you need to make sure you are aware of what to do if this occurs. You may be a victim of stalking if someone is:

• Repeatedly following or spying on you
• Repeatedly calling your home and/or work
• Repeatedly sending you unwanted or offensive emails, letters, text messages etc.
• Leaving unwanted gifts or items for you
• Vandalising or damaging your property
• Threatening you or someone close to you
• Repeated showing up for no legitimate reason at places you go to. For example, the gym, dinner with friends, shopping, movies etc

Stalking is a crime.  

It needs to be reported to the police to prevent the offender from committing a more serious crime.

It is important that you document all incidents that you believe may be stalking and report them all to the police.  Any police officer at a police station can take a report of stalking from you. If you believe that you are being stalked it is important that you keep a diary of the specific incidents.  You should keep information on the date, time, what happened, any names of any witnesses.  

If somebody is using technology to stalk you, you need to keep copies of any emails, text messages or anything else they sent you.

Do not delete emails and text messages, as these may be used as evidence.  

Keep copies of everything so that you can provide police with full details about what has been happening to you.

If you receive and packages or gifts that you believe are from the stalker, do not handle them as they can be used to obtain forensic evidence. Documenting every incident will assist the police in forming a strong case.  

Stalking often involves a long term pattern of events which is why each and every incident and experience should be recorded and reported to the police. Just be aware that one incident on its own may not be considered stalking, so it’s important that each incident you experience should be recorded and reported to the police so that it can be identified that there is a pattern occurring. Make a record of every incident of stalking no matter how insignificant you may think it is or how many incidences there are.

A good way to document incidents of stalking would be to keep a stalking incident log.  

This could include keeping a STALKING INCIDENT LOG

Protection : AVO’s

Police have an obligation to protect people from violence and can apply for an AVO on your behalf.  Before an AVO can be applied for by a police officer, a number of requirements must be met. A police officer investigating your matter must make an application for an AVO if they have suspicion or belief that you have been a victim of stalking or that it is likely to occur.  

If you do not want the police to make an application for an AVO, the police officer may still be obligated to apply for an AVO on your behalf.  If you have any concerns or questions in relation to an AVO application that has been applied for on behalf, you can contact the Domestic Violence Liaison Officer (DVLO) at your local police station.