What constitutes ‘stalking’?
This is a huge question to answer!
As a private investigator in the personal and domestic violence space, the definition of stalking is very broad, encompassing different kinds of abusive behaviours intended to create emotional and psychological harm. Do when I am wanting to give an answer, I find it’s best to ask questions first.
What’s happened to make you feel that uncomfortable or fearful?
What were they doing to make you feeel like you were being stalked?
What we do know, is that 95% of stalking is by someone you have had a relationship with or someone you know. It’s usually during the breakdown of a relationship or after the break up.
The formal definition : Stalking is a form of harassment with the intention to intimidate, coerce or control and influence your thoughts, emotions and behaviours to achieve an outcome that is detrimental to the victim or an advantage for the perpetrator.
It is repeated, insidious and bullying behaviour as well as acts of intimidation where there was an intention to cause physical, emotional, psychological, social or financial harm. The intention is the primary concern: every aspect of intimate and family abuse is emotional.
The IMPACT: destablisation of mood, distraction of thought and distortion of decision making.
Stalking is a crime. It is an offence under the Crimes (Domestic and Personal Violence) Act 2007. Stalking is defined under this law and includes:
‘the following of a person about or the watching or frequenting of the vicinity of, or an approach to a person’s place of residence, business or work or any place that a person frequents for the purposes of any social or leisure activity’.
- conduct (including cyberbullying) amounting to harassment or molestation;
- an approach made by any means (including by telephone, telephone text messaging, e-mailing and other technologically assisted means) that causes the person to fear for their safety;
- conduct that causes a reasonable person to apprehend injury to them or another person with whom they have a domestic relationship; or
- conduct that causes a reasonable person to apprehend violence or damage to any person or property;
- following a person;
- approaching, watching or frequenting of the vicinity of a person’s place of residence, business or work or any place that a person frequents for the purposes of any social or leisure activity,
- contacting or otherwise approaching a person using the internet or any other technologically assisted means.
Stalking involves a persistent course of conduct or actions by a person which are intended to maintain contact with or exercise power and control over another person. These actions cause distress, loss of control, fear or harassment to another person and occur more than once.
Stalking can involve threats or sexual innuendo and the stalker generally tries to intimidate or induce fear in the person they are stalking. The person being stalked may only realise they are being stalked once they identify a pattern of strange or suspicious incidents occurring, such as:
- phone calls
- text messages
- messages left on social media sites such as Facebook and Twitter etc.
- notes left on the their car
- strange or unwanted gifts left at their home
- an awareness that they are being followed
- being continually stared at or gestured to by another person.
The person being stalked can often develop a sense of loss of control over their lives and can be forced into changing their routine and behaviours.
The criminal offence of stalking is contained under
section 13 Crimes (Domestic and Personal Violence) Act 2007.
To prove an offence of stalking the police must be able to produce evidence to a court. The police evidence must prove that the accused person stalked another person with the intention of causing another person to fear physical or mental harm.
Anyone can be a victim of stalking. People who engage in stalking behaviour do not necessarily need to be related to the victim.
Other forms of stalking might be online and of which there is less than 5% reported because it’s usually a covert act that escalates to the physical. It can be assumed that with the role of social media in today’s society, there is a high incidence of online stalking that goes on given the nature of a stalkers intention. It often goes unreported and undisclosed to authorities because it is not recognised as harassment at the time or it doesn’t pose as a threat.
The counselors I work with share that most of their clients have experienced online stalking but do not feel threatened. It is more relevant to victims who have public profiles or an online presence.
It becomes relevant when things start to escalate as it demonstrates there was an intent and that’s why being able to identify the types of behaviour or language that constitute as stalking is really important.
So when does it become stalking?
This is a personal threshold.
It is generally ongoing, unwanted attention and non consensual engagement. They are categorised as stalking and harassment when you have clearly made it known to the perpetrator that the relationship is different or over. They are behaviours that make you feel scared, intimidated or have fears about the repercussions of setting boundaries, speaking up or you find yourself making choices to accomodate this fear. So it’s important to define the dealbreakers.
What Actions Might Constitute Stalking?
- Constantly calling, emailing, or messaging someone when you have asked them not to;
- Repeatedly attending a person’s home or work without their consent or permission.
- Following someone in a car, waiting, sitting and walking past their home without reasonable explanation.
- Coincidently,\ turning up to social events where they are found out they are present.
- Asking friends and family questions
- Liking or making online comments on social pages so they know they are being watched.
- Watching or leering at them in venues and making subtle gestures that threaten their feeling of safety.
Now you can see how there are many little things that compounded together and how the intimate nature of the relationship can play on the minds of the victim. The familiarity of the relationship is a distinguishing factor and there is where I ask.
If a stranger did this, would you tolerate it?
Stalking feels like the person you once knew is now unpredictable, irrational and unreadable because you are no longer in that intimate space. You don’t know this version of them or what they are going to do next. But they know your personal information, and the intimacy created the safety to share. It feels like this is now being used against you with the intention to cause harm.
So let’s explore the intention of a Stalker, and then how you can stop it, or get the help you need to stop it.
REJECTION, RESENTMENT & JEALOUSY
Communication plays a big role in stalking, as I mentioned before, telling your partner you relationship is over is no doubt hurtful, especially if they still want the relationship to work and have strong feelings for you. And being honest about the type of relationship you want with them can be difficult, and it will need time to transition.
But if there is an incident, as there is in making stalking cases, and you have to sever all ties, the communication is clearly broken and you made need help communicating those boundaries.
So just a note here, if during the relationship you were subjected to behaviour that was controlling and coercive, it may feel normal or just a part of their ‘personality’.
Don’t overlook this as ‘ok that’s just him/her’. Set clear boundaries from the start. The difficultly with past relationships is that you both know all 200 versions of each other, the great, good and bad and you may still care, but not love this person, they may have hurt you and you have forgiven them, and that intimacy alone will drop your guard or trigger you to give in, hoping this time it will help them.
It may or may not, but your primary concern now is you. Give yourself permission to be you, move on, have fun, live life, laugh, cry and grief the loss of having that person in your life.
The impacts of stalking are real upon your health and wellbeing, education, finances, social networks, employment and other relationships. When it impacts on your state of mind and mood or you find yourself ‘managing or manipulating’ situations and conversations then you may not notice the subtle and insidious behaviours that make up the harassment, stalking and intimidation.
Now I know this sound more about you than them, but it’s the impact of their behaviour on you that you can regulate and contro, not theirs. It’s a horrible feeling to think someone is stalking you, but hopefully you will notice the escalating behaviours and this is where I encourage you to take action.
BIG MYTH : Doing nothing, does nothing
The biggest myth is that it’s not an infringement on your human rights or criminal behaviour until it become so uncomfortable, unmanageable or unbearable that you are unable to function at a basic level. We have been conditioned to think we must ‘tolerate’ others, ‘ignore them’ or ‘absorb’ the impact so as to not ‘rock the boat’. Your threshold can be whatever you want and is about preserving your sanity, check in with this base line.
Doing nothing actually has the opposite effect. It affirms that the behaviour is ok and acceptable. Learning how to assert boundaries with calm communication styles will help you ensure the message is clear.
“This is unacceptable behaviour. I can see it’s not what you want, but I would ask you to respect my time and space. “
*never threaten to call the police or family etc regarding his behaviour. Just do it. This is the co-creation of chaos and you too are engaging in the harassment and intimidating behaviour they are.
You do not have to justify, explain or defend this statement.
Stop, wait and then walk away.
It’s not always going to be that easy, they will want to engage and I’ve seem interesting attempts, but the thing is to stay strong.
The question here is ‘Does their behaviour interfere with your day to day life?’
Ringing constantly for trivial matters, repeatedly emailing or showing up without notice are the insidious behaviours of a stalker. It feels normal in the beginning, but become annoying and then they will say something to upset you, throwing your whole day out. They continue to engage with you like you are in a relationship and find the reason to do so. Nothing is so urgent that you are required to respond.
- Block calls and messages
- Disengage from their social pages and block
- Put emails in a mail box where you get to look at them when you are up to it.
- This also reduces the temptation for you to respond.
The break down of a relationship naturally consumes thoughts and feelings. Heartbreak, confusion and anxiety clouds judgement, distracts our attention and focus. It can impede our ability to work and we change our habits and routines to manage and cope.
Give yourself time.
If you find yourself put out by their presence, feeling dread at the thought of seeing them, feel emotionally unstable when they are around and make choices to avoid seeing or speaking to them, then if you have already made it clear to them their attention is unwanted, consider it a deliberate act and begin making notes in a diary, keep a stalking log or contact the police and report.
BIG MYTH: Doing something will do something
As mentioned, many of us are conditioned not to rock the boat, in particular women when it comes to setting boundaries with men. It’s a patriarchal belief.
There are numerous influencing and compounding factors so here is the basics.
When considering what constitutes as stalking – it comes down to intention and impact.
What is the intention of the stalker?
Is it to cause harm by instigating acts of harassment and revenge by engaging in behaviour that intimidates or threatens .
Is it the behaviour that interferes with day to day activities, upsetting the normal flow of life and the natural consequence of choices. It is a means of harassment or unwanted attention and contact that amounts to a level of obsession that makes it uncomfortable and scary for you, causing you to evade, avoid or change natural behaviours.
Stalking is a feeling of being watch, judged and scrutinised.
A liberty taken by someone else to either influence the victims actions, behaviour and choices or represent them in a way that discredits, humiliates or damages their self belief, concept, reputation.
Therefore it is a human rights issue. It can have a devastating impact on the individual, from isolation to suicide. It also impacts on the lives of their families and other human rights and health. We all have the right to feel safe and respected.
Why do they do it?
Stalkers are unable to let go of the relationships, they feel entitled or unable to process resentment or the feeling of rejection. You can’t help them with this, it’s the work they need to do and if it is costing you your peace it’s time to take action.
‘For every choice in behaviour, there is an intention, foreseen outcomes, and a consequence ’.
What Types of Stalking are there?
There are two main types of stalking, in person (repeated behaviours of unwanted attention that instils fear and creates distress) and online (trolling and cyber bullying).
There are various types of behaviour that constitute as stalking, harassment and intimidation but ultimately it is the impact on a persons quality of life that must be considered in regards to the action or interventions methods taken.
The intention to cause the other person fear, mental or physical harm. It is deemed as the intention if if the person who intends to cause the harm knows that the conduct is likely to cause fear in the other person. This is a conversation between the victim and their perpetrator. He said, She said.
Currently the difficulty in prosecution is that they must be informed the behaviour is intimidating first and if repeated then the offence can be proven. In many cases, the perpetrator has been informed by the victim but this is often disregarded by authorities like the police because they can not offer evidence of that. That’s why recording your own evidence is important.
The prosecution does not necessarily need to prove that the victim actually feared any physical or mental harm as the legislation also broadens the offence by including the fear of harm to anyone with whom the victim has a domestic relationship with.
The most common question asked is ‘when do I call the Police?’
There are a number of Legislations that identify the behaviour that constitutes as stalking and calling the police at the time or discussing the issues with someone independent like a counselor, will give you the feedback you are looking for in regards to the direction or decisions to make
But in real terms of identifying the behaviour for yourself, so you can also describe the situation to someone else, they are
the numerous phone calls received after expressing no further contact.
text messages with irrelevant and attention seeking content, such as threats, questions intended for engagement or statements that they know will upset you, such as ‘threats of suicide’.
It’s the communication style that uses language intended to upset, intimidate or threaten you with comments like, ‘if you, then I will’, ‘when you do, I will’, or a statement that makes you feel vulnerable.
You’ll have an awareness that you are being followed or you are being continually stared at or gestured to by another person. It’s the unwanted gifts left at the door or cards sent to your with messages of ‘love’, apologies and reflections that appear real after you have requested to be left alone.
Stalking may start out as coincidental meet ups and can quickly escalate to more intrusive behaviours such as spying on or waiting for you at a particular location. It’s the unexpected confrontations or unpredictable verbal attacks that are sparked by decisions you’ve made, to which they are unaware of, to which they may feel are deliberate and antagonising. They may use this as an excuse for their response or abusive behaviour.
Stalkers are perceived as socially awkward and uncomfortable, but many disguise their rage as passion and claim it is ‘love’.
A stalker is usually someone who has had an intimate relationship with the victim and account for 75% of reports to police. Acquaintances and Strangers are not as common, but have just as much impact and often depend on the targets public profile. The relationship is of significance in an investigation and the differentiation in risk is the intimate knowledge gained through the relationship. This is helpful in identifying the real and potential risks, level of precautions and seriousness of the threats made.
What you need to understand: and how to identify the stalking behaviour and the root cause of the stalking.
Stalkers are deceptive, often being someone different in front of others. They are the ‘nice’ guy. They may also be secretly jealous and make claims they are protecting you ( ‘from yourself’ ). They don’t trust you to make good decisions for you and undermine your self worth, making you dependent on them for choices and relying on their opinion, approval or permission.
They lack the ability to respect the boundaries others set and take being dismissed as personal rejection, which smoulders like hot coals as resentment. As resentment builds, it is fuelled by other small innocent acts that fill their bucket of paranoia. They may become jealously and demonstrate an ‘intensity’ of love demanding your attention and occupying your time.
Rejection
Whether the rejection is real or merely perceived by the stalker it comes as a critical blow. Stalkers see themselves as the victims of being led on or toyed with. Their fear of abandonment doesn’t allow them to reason, so it’s impossible to let them down easy. They see themselves as a victim and use distractions and shut downs to stop others attempting to have healthy conversations with them about their unreasonable behaviour, unwanted attention or unrealistic expectations.
Entitlement
The entitled Stalker feels they are owed or have ownership over another person because of what value they feel they have added. Experts say that many stalkers are charming and seemingly “average” people that you would never guess have an unhealthy obsession with their ex, their neighbour or a complete stranger. They are manipulative and do not take responsibility for their own feelings or actions and are unable to take no for an answer. Whilst they are dependent on others for sense of self they also see their problems as someone else’s fault and will object to being held accountable. The entitled stalker is dangerous and unpredictable.
Obsession
Stalkers are often obsessive in multiple areas of their life including their romantic inclinations and in having their needs met over any other priorities of another. They usually have repetitive thought patterns that play like a broken record, so they gradually become so preoccupied with their target, they’re unable to sleep, forget to eat, and let their jobs go to the wayside. They unwittingly study their target of who they have intimate knowledge, making it easy for them to trigger vulnerabilities.
Fantasy
Stalkers blur the lines between fact and fiction. They harbour a sense of entitlement that their targets belong to them which feeds the fantasy that they’re destined to be together. Some become so convinced, they’ll invent details in their head about a romantic relationship that doesn’t exist, and they’ll be so sure of it, they’re able to convince others.
Narcissism
Stalkers are unable to recognise or respect the feelings or boundaries of others. They also lack healthy coping skills to deal with rejection, embarrassment, shame, or loss. This becomes especially problematic if you previously had a romantic relationship as they may justify their actions with “If I’m suffering, so should you” logic or the “If I can’t have you, no one can.”
Resentment.
This is the unresolve conflict that sits inside the hearts and minds of the perpetrator. Resedntment is the slow burning issue that irritates a value or belief. In a pst experience they may not have been able to express themselves freely or felt it was too dangerous to say anything outloud.
It is triggered by a situation they have had previously in a current conversation that they attribute blame, relevance or evidence of a related matter. Resentment is the fuel of the abuser, an injustice they have not reconciled.
What is the point at which it becomes dangerous?
Stalkers engage in a range of behaviours that can also be perceived as mental health issues or mental illness. From depression, anxiety, BPD or Narcicissim. The range of emotional abuse inflicted on the person being stalked and the harm it causes is different for everyone.
Using a crisis to reach out for contact or causing the chaos themselves with threats of self harm are manipulative behaviours of the stalker. As they play the victim, they call for you to rescue them just as they felt they may have done for you in a time of need. And they will remind you of that.
They are unable to stabilise their emotions or reflect on their inappropriate behaviour having already justified what they said or their actions, to themselves. They can be the ‘nice’ guy, with a hidden agenda, luring you into a web of lies, omissions and misunderstandings.
What’s important to note that any ‘Friendships’ are made up of mutual respect, trust, consensual attention and affection. These are not dependent on the outcomes attached to certain behaviours, justifications, explanations or defence.
What does stalking look and feel like?
Whilst the following questions are genuine in a relationship experiencing conflict, stalking is a behaviour that usually starts as the relationship is ending. It is in the tone in which they express themselves that discerns the intention and identifies it as the comment intended to cause distress, a feeling of being unsafe or anxiety. It is the behaviour driven by the core beliefs of the perpetrator that trigger red flags.
Here are examples to help you identify and disarm.
Trading in Guilt and Shame.
They’ll guilt you or invent emergencies to elicit sympathy.
- Example: “Why are you doing this to me? Don’t you care about me?”
- Example: “After everything I’ve done for you, what do I get?”
Un-expectantly showing up as reasonable, positive and optimistic.
They make empty promises to prolong contact.
- Example: “This is the last time, I swear. I just need closure.”
- Example: “I just want to say goodbye properly and be friends (again)’
Instilling fear using blame, bargaining or blackmail.
They’ll resort to blackmail, no matter how far of a stretch. They play on your insecurities and make unfounded accusations.
- Example: “You don’t care about anyone but yourself.”
- Example: “I’ll tell your boss about the time you called in sick.”
- Example: “I’ll make sure everyone knows the type of person you are.”
- Example: “This is your fault, if you had just done what I said, I wouldn’t be this upset and angry.”
- Example: “If you do …….. I will ……..” Or “You need to do…….. or I will…”
- Example: “I’ll make sure your family finds out about what you did.”
Gaslighting statements you have made about a situation or circumstance that is not related or relevant to the topic.
They’ll twist your words to suit their agenda.
- Example: When reminded of a similar behaviour or event they will respond with ‘No I didn’t” or “That’s not what happened” or “According to you”. Even when confronted with the lie, they will attempt create doubt in your own reality.
Attempts to ‘make nice’ and draw you in to a false sense of feeling secure, making promises or requests to ‘make things right’.
They’ll seem calm and kind.
- Example: “You know I love you, I promise it won’t happen again.’
- Example: “I really appreciate you, I know I’m difficult, how can I make it up to you.”
- Example: “I know that you really do love me and I think your friends are just trying to brainwash you against me.”
Gift giving, with conditions for it to be received graciously, and expectations it will resolve the issue.
They play on your insecurities and make unfounded accusations.
- Example: “I know you love these colours and wanted to say sorry.’
- Example: “I really appreciate you, I know I’m difficult, how can I make it up to you.
- Example: “After all I’ve done for you…” “I did it for you”.
What offence are they committing?
Stalking, Harassment, Intimidation.
Depending on the matrix of behaviour, comments and admissions of the perpetrator, the criminal offence may vary. The context of the situation is crucial and it’s important that contact, communication and previous actions or behaviours were obviously rejected or objected to, with the perpetrator having little doubt that no means no. In which case, being kind, passive and enabling will create confusion in the mind of the perpetrator.
Following is a list of legislation that covers the acts of stalking that is conduct causing fear, harm and apprehension of fear for safety of themselves or others.
Stalking Crimes Act 1958 (Vic) s 21A, a person (the offender) stalks another person (the victim) if the offender engages in a course of conduct [which includes any of a wide range of types of conduct] with the intention of causing physical or mental harm to the victim, including self-harm, or of arousing apprehension or fear in the victim for his or her own safety or that of any other person
Assault, Stalk, Harrass, Intimidate. The Crimes Act 1900 (NSW) s 60E provides that it is an offence to ‘assault, stalk, harass or intimidate any school student or member of staff of a school, while the student or member of staff is attending a school’.
Stalking Section 8(1) of the Crime (Domestic and Personal Violence) Act 2007 (NSW) defines stalking as ‘the following of a person about or the watching or frequenting of the vicinity of, or an approach to a person’s place of residence, business or work or any place that a person frequents for the purposes of any activity’. This Act is confined to persons experiencing domestic or family violence.
Stalking Criminal Code Act 1995 (Cth), provides for an offence of ‘using a carriage service to menace, harass or cause offence’ and ‘using a carriage service to make a threat’.
Stalking is ‘family violence’ in the Family Law Act 1975, a commonwealth legislation applicable to all states of Australia.
Others include:
Criminal Code (Cth) s 189;
Crimes (Domestic and Personal Violence) Act 2007 (NSW) s 13
Criminal Code Act 1899 (Qld) s 395B
Criminal Law Consolidation Act 1935 (SA) s 19AA
Criminal Code Act 1924 (Tas) s 192
Crimes Act 1958 (Vic) s 21A
Criminal Code Act Compilation Act 1913 (WA) s 338D
Crimes Act 1900 (ACT) s 35.
For the prosecution to prove that a crime has been committed, they must prove that each of the elements of the offence are evident beyond reasonable doubt.
To obtain a conviction of the offence of stalking or intimidation in NSW, the prosecution must prove that the accused had both the intention to cause fear of physical or mental harm and that their behaviour(s) committed or attempted constitute stalking or intimidation.
There are also Commonwealth laws to protect victims of family violence from harassment, including harassment via electronic communications.
Defenses for Stalking
In all cases, the foreseeable risks of the impact of the behaviour must be reasonable and expected. If you have verbally expressed no contact with the stalker, then it is reasonably expected that this request and personal boundary would be respected.
If certain behaviour is objected to or rejected in person or writing, then the continuation of that behaviour can be deemed as a deliberate attempt to harass and intimidate for the purpose of engagement or instilling fear, depending on context.
A defence may be that the accused had a legitimate reason for the behaviour, such as working in the same building.
During which, it must be explained what measures were taken to avoid or evade the confrontations. It is not simply enough to demand someone tolerate them regardless.
General criminal law defences may also apply and can include:
- Necessity – where a person is compelled by a threat of danger to commit the offence; or
- Duress – where a person commits the offence due to pressure or undue persuasion by another person.
In summary:
Threats of harm, (if you do that, I will kill you), previous acts of abuse or violence (locked out of home, property destroyed, assaults and strangulation) and inferred harm (the look of scorn), as well as insidious degrading comments, or deliberate interference, following you, turning up at work or in a social setting, coincidental meet ups, numerous calls, texts, emails, letters, cards, gifts; are all attention seeking behaviour and constitute at stalking, harassment and intimidation.
Leering, loitering and overt acts of kindness are done to create a connection whilst revenge fuelled intentions to harm can end in injury or death.
To further understand and get some practical strategies to deal with stalking, read the next article on the Psychology of perpetrators and the differences between male and female offenders.
