Justice
Women who have been subjected to criticism, judgement, stripped of their self worth, falsely accused of intimidation following the natural response of anger when backed into a corner, or threatened emotionally, psychologically or physically have been HARMED want JUSTICE.
Restorative Justice.
In essence it’s the payback for something that was taken from them without consent, agreement or in a one sided intimidating negotiation, and it’s something you can’t see.
It was her self-belief. Self efficacy. Self worth.
Constantly being ignored, stonewalled, dismissed, gaslit, denied and degraded erodes the confidence and significantly impacts on a women’s confidence and well being. The ground she walks on has been shaken to it’s core because she held it together for so long with her bare hands. T he air she breathes is heavy and her chest is tight from being prepared for the next instalment of denigrating comments, insults and disapproving looks.
What was once a constant flow of admiration and affectionate interactions has been damed with the wall of silence and bricked up with hatred for non compliance.
Consistently flagged for failures, reminded of mistakes or having a flippant attitude due to deliberate, unpredictable, emotional disruptions, de-stabilises the guard rails of certainty and hijacks efforts to concentrate. Focus is lost and the motivation of a woman at home, in their job and in social settings is slowly shelved.
She’s not chasing the short term feel goods, she’s searching for peace, reasons and acceptance in a washing machine of the complexity she didn’t sign up for.
She is wanting validation.
Domestic and Family Violence is about power and control, and women want theirs back. They didn’t give you permission to take away their options or shut down their opportunities. They’ve played small to feed your ego, complied to keep the peace and accommodated your attitude of entitlement thinking you would participate in the exchange of trust, love and kindness.
Being accused of being spiteful, twisted, bitter and jealous are from the mind of the misguided.
She is hurt, heartbroken and healing.
She won’t apologise for that.
Trading in guilt, shame and humiliation to gain the advantage will only make her stronger and more focused on slashing the path of the just she has never trodden.
Creating confusion, conjuring conflict and turning on the passive ‘I’ve done what you asked’ despite never checking in to have your deliverable graded, provides all the evidence she needs to prove to herself she made the right decision.
Withholding her children, information or omitting the truth, is an active descriptor of your intention to hurt, deceive and manipulate the situation and influence the circumstances in your quest of dominance.
Telling her ‘that doesn’t look good for you’, as if Lady Justice will identify her one sarcastic response as the all powerful crucible where concentrated forces interact to cause or influence the change, in your favour, is fruitless.
She doesn’t need your approval or permission.
Micro acts of passive aggression are identifiable in tone and language. It is these elements that drive her to wait in the wings of your stage and let you play that game by yourself. Every day that passes is another opportunity to bank the evidence that demonstrates the patterns of coercion and disrespectful behaviour that amounts to calculated outbursts of ‘control’ designed to intimidate. Your harassing comments attempt to deplete her self worth and there is a road block for that old behaviour that hurts, harms and hinders the sparkle she brings into the world.
By now you have taught her to live without you. She has imagined a brighter sun, a more peaceful morning and endulged in the relaxed thought of a life where you no longer have a part to play.
Having undermined her potential and emptied her bucket of optimism, she will find her voice again and it will more than likely be when you have moved on.
You see, she hired a garbage truck and picked up all the trash you left her with. She compacted it into the single bag of justice she’ll have delivered to your door. It’s not revenge, it’s not being bitter – it’s called healing. Just a collection of the things you forgot to take on your way out the door.
“Her pathway is a life without you, a day without pain.
A night full of laughter, where she dances in the rain.
It’s the moment she’d be craving,
During the months she had been braving,
Self worth is overflowing
A Trust in her own knowing”
If someone is hurting you, or threatening to hurt you, especially psychological harm ( Psychological harm is defined as emotional or cognitive disturbances resulting from another’s actions), it can be hard to maintain your self-confidence or feelings of self-worth.
There will be times when you want to blame yourself, hurt others or lash out, so remember that it’s never okay for someone to hurt you or threaten to hurt you.
What does hurt feel like?
- You may be suffering from severe fear, anxiety, or depression.
- You many feel disconnected, confused or tired – unable to form close and satisfying relationships or trust what others say.
- You may find yourself avoiding people, places and rearranging the furniture.
- Negative self talk and rumination of conversations may expand to experiencing terrifying memories, nightmares, or flashbacks.
What does hurt look like?
Anger, white hot fury, enraged hostility, infuriated seething, vexed aggression.
Confused frustration, indignant irritation, riled up resentment.
Nauseated contempt, repulsed hatred, restless contempt.
Detached boredom, estranged withdrawal, intense loneliness
Fragile insecurity, vulnerable sensitivities, delicate powerlessness
Foolish embarrassment, humbled remorse, tongue tied guilt
Devastated despair, grief stricken distress, miserable torment
Bitter disappointment, heartbreaking betrayal, demoralised confidence
Tearful glum, depressed sadness, dispirited dejection
Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It includes anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.
Whilst communication is the key ingredient to clearing blocked energy pathways, you are never going to hear from him the words you need to hear to heal. Respect the difference in your opinions of you, dismiss his judgement as corrupted perception and block the intention he has to cause harm with six strategies that will fill your bucked of self worth and build the natural optimistic tendency of resilience.
How to get justice?
Justice is a concept of redeeming fairness, reasonable treatment and restorative actions designed to administer returning the elements of your lost identity. A purposeful exercise in making the wrong morally right, restoring equity and allowing the natural laws and consequences to follow a course that heals, protects and vindicates the agrieved. Justice sits in the frame work of judgement, making it subjective to the jurisdiction, distributing punity or rewards whilst scaling fairness on a spectrum.
Embedded in the ideology of justice are the words that articulate the impact and cost of intentional and reckless behaviour, at the will of another.
My apologies:
It’s not coming in the way you thought it would.
The harm caused by abuse often remains insignificant in the punishment decided by someone else. Your power lies in mastering your attention and valuing your energy and time.
Self care is self love, self belief is self confidence, detachment is inner peace.
Not feeling it yet?
The best thing you can do in this situation is
- Shut down contact, he’s not listening.
- Journal those thoughts and feelings, talk and record to capture the inflections and tone. Have the conversation you want to have with a therapist or record it on your phone – then delete.
- Get some support to help you plan a path to safety (emotional and psychological as well). Find a source of validation, not an explanation.
- Remember that the issues and concerns you have are important to, a priority in getting your needs met and you have a right to voice your opinion and express yourself, in particular about the impact of abuse and violence. Just don’t waste your breathe on him.
- Reconnect with friends or family. This can remind you of who you are and how much other people love and care for you. Engage in the things you like to do, eat well, sleep and get into the sun.
- Understand your sensitivities and triggers. Do the emotional work, sit in the feeling, search for the source of hurt. You are enough, you did all you could and in time.
Walking the trail of justice requires you to avoid the pot holes full of accusations, justify your responses to their behaviour and explain what is considered a natural response to a traumatic situation. Decide what justice looks like for you and create it. Ask for the apology, set up boundaries, give yourself permission to grieve.
