Conflict and Abuse. What’s the Difference.

Conflict and Abuse have different risk factors and validation instruments whilst escalating conflict has the markers for abusive tendencies. It is easy to tell the difference if you know the telltale signs of abuse. Intimate partner abuse are behaviours and tactics used by one person to maintain control and power OVER their partners. (Womens Health Book Collective 2011. Dept just 2015).

It’s important to understand that communication and language, including tone and body language, play a huge part in identifying abuse and the assessment measures must consider the contributions of all parties over the course of the relationship.

Taking full and absolute responsibility for your own choices in enabling, allowing, protesting or objecting to issues within it.

The ideal relationship is one where peace and harmony always reign or almost always. That certainly should be the goal of every couple and encouraged within the family. On the other hand, what cancer is to the body, emotional abuse is to marriages and committed relationships. Typically, when couples disagree their arguments are about the outcome of a particular issue, such as household chores, spending, annoying family members or friends, and grooming. When these types of issues arise frequently, they characterise a “difficult” marriage or partnership, but not necessarily an abusive one. To establish whether or not you are a target of abuse or a participant in conflict, get curious. Ask questions that clarify intentions.

1. Does your partner insist he or she is always right and you are always wrong?
2. Do you have the feeling that your partner wants you to admit that he or she is superior to you?
3. Do you tiptoe around your partner for fear of triggering an angry outburst?
4. Does your partner withhold material items or affection?
5. Is your partner often grumpy or irritable?
6. Does your partner threaten you?
7. Is your partner selfish and uncooperative?
8. Do you and your partner often get into verbal arguments?
9. Do you feel unloved or misunderstood by your partner?

Emotional abusers, by comparison, systematically seek to control their partners and every aspect of their partners’ lives. Abusers demonstrate a total disregard for the wellbeing of their partners. In fact, abusers aim to diminish the self-worth of their partners in order to establish dominance. Over time, some victims of emotional abuse do come to believe that their mistreatment is deserved and that they are not entitled to self- determination, happiness or kindness. Left unchecked, emotional abuse will shatter every relationship and most often leave the partner who was abused with deep emotional scars and mental anguish. When it comes to separating normal relationship squabbles from abuse, the intent of the behaviour is what matters. In a typical relationship conflict, the intent of each partner is to get his or her way on a specific issue. Pick your battles!. If you are being emotionally abused, the intent of your partner is to control you so that you will do his or her bidding in the campaign of being right. This is a very important distinction to make when evaluating whether you are experiencing emotional abuse or not. Emotional abusers believe they alone have the right to make all the decisions for both partners. Emotional abusers can sustain their efforts for weeks, months, and even years. Emotional abusers will take opportunities for relationship growth to denegrade and intimidate. They use language that is conditional “If you just do what I say everything will be okay”

Once abuse infects a relationship, it is only a matter of time before it consumes it and possibly the abuse victim, too.

If you think you are being abused, do the quiz and ask for help.

15 easy to answer questions

1. My partner never admits when he or she is wrong.
2. My partner is unwilling to adapt to my needs and expectations.
3. My partner is more insensitive than caring.
4. I am often forced to sacrifice my own needs to meet my partner’s needs.
5. My partner refuses to talk about problems that make him or her look bad.
6. My partner withholds affection unless it would benefit him or her.
7. It’s hard to disagree with my partner because he or she gets angry.
8. My partner resents being questioned about the way he or she treats me.
9. My partner builds himself or herself up by putting me down.
10. My partner retaliates when I disagree with him or her.
11. My partner is always trying to change me.
12. My partner believes he or she has the right to force me to do things.
13. My partner is overly possessive or jealous.
14. My partner makes it difficult for me to visit with my family and friends.
15. My partner tries to cover over his or her bad behavior suggesting I don’t know what I am talking about, or I am exaggerating, or I am crazy.