The response never surprises me when a during a conversation with a victim of domestic they suddenly realise they are being abused.
Disbelief, denial, even distractions gives them the moment to take in what has probably been niggling away at them for years. But it is the unboxing of accepting the reality and truth that can become overwhelming.
Truth Bomb
Accepting you may have had soft boundaries if any at all, that were enabling.
Epiphany
Feeling a sense of powerlessness and contrived by compromises.
Sudden manifestation
Feeling railroaded or having lost control. Feeling deceived or being forced to make a decision.
Illuminating discovery
Accepting the frustration and forgiving indiscretions. Complying to keep the peace or protect the children.
Intuitive Grasp
General sadness, grief and anger are all bundled up into a tsunami of facts that when mapped out, remove the blind spot.
RELEVANCE
Situational Awareness is the observation and assessment of how things show up in that moment. It’s the combination of facts, feelings, beliefs and perception. It’s about being able to forecast the next risk, find alternative pathways to our goals, overcome obstacles and adjust to accommodate the changing dynamics as they reveal themselves.
We all know that the health of a relationship is fluid, forever responding, reacting and interacting with the next conversation or behaviour. In a moment trust can be broken, just one decision can change how you feel, a word spoken can shatter the perceptions we have.
For things to remain constant, we must be consistent.
RELATED
The capacity to comprehend what someone is saying or doing is discernment.
Discernment can be defined as the ability to judge well. It is perception without judgment to obtain wisdom, direction, and understanding. Remembering that a person’s identity and behavior are separate.
So what is said and done, reveal much about the intention and agenda of other people. The normal range of responses to trauma, stress, being insulted, excluded, dismissed, betrayed, lied to, assaulted, rejection, being manipulated, coerced or abandoned are hurt feelings, loneliness, jealousy, guilt, shame, social anxiety, embarrassment, sadness, and anger. A full spectrum of emotions flood the brain, break the heart and cause pain.
So there is no doubt that the fear, effect and impact is enough to make most adults cautious.
The confusion when words do not match actions is known as cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance is a theory in social psychology. It refers to the mental conflict that occurs when a person’s behaviors and beliefs do not align.
Examples include “explaining things away” or rejecting new information that conflicts with their existing beliefs
Cognitive dissonance in a relationship is the psychological theory that describes the discomfort that results from holding two or more opposing beliefs.
You likely experience it when rationalizing eating that chocolate brownie you know you shouldn’t be eating while on a diet or loving someone who is hurting you.
The feeling is contradictory to the evidence and information being presented
For example: In the case of someone cheating on their partner, those mutually exclusive beliefs are that cheating hurts their partners and that they are kind people who wouldn’t hurt their partners.
We all have an inner drive to hold all our attitudes and behavior in harmony and avoid disharmony (or dissonance). We constantly strive to resolve this conflict and in 1957 a guy called Festinger defined the state and then assumed three major manners in which an individual could reduce dissonance;
Dissonance can be reduced in one of three ways:
a) changing existing beliefs, through Compliance, Decision, Effort
b) adding new beliefs, by acquiring new information that outweighs the current on. Evidence, Perspective, Objectivity.
c) reducing the importance of the beliefs. Convince, Condition, Contrary information
Why is this an important to understand?
It can help people change and grow in positive ways.
Through awareness of conflicting beliefs and actions, people can address their habits and bring their behaviors in line with their values. Giving them the opportunity to live in peace, harmony and with integrity.
It also helps you make better decisions and judgements about others.
People will treat you how you allow them to.
Whilst the world is full of boundaries and limitations as an adult you quickly work out that despite them being ‘out there’ not everyone abides by them. These people don’t always afford the respect, honesty or kindness that protects the hearts and minds of different cohorts. The reality check is unpacking the intentions of those who offend or ‘trespass’ against us and understanding the agenda they set for the benefit they are after.
Basically, using people to get what they want.
Our job is to make ourselves happy, doing and being, believing and saying what the situation is and the impact. It’s often referred to as expressing yourself and many of us feel like we need to protect others from what we consider harsh or hurtful, despite it being honest and truthful. The respect this shows is demonstrated in conversation that result in the best outcomes for both parties.
In a healthy conversation, it becomes a negotiation or mediated outcome, where compassion, empathy and understanding of the issues, information and impact is acknowledged. Whilst objections might be made, the outcome is usually to benefit both, not one.
REVELATION
Situation Awareness is about assessing the now and trusting the natural response to the information you have. Whilst there is a tendency to hypothesise it usually generates anxiety, distress and confusion. Everyone’s thresholds for tolerance or acceptance are different and sometimes we just need to wait for the right information or the amount of evidence to convince us otherwise.
No Judgement here!
I would encourage you though to take in all forms of information, including gut instinct, facts, feeling and fears, past behaviours, known beliefs and body language. Get curious and ask questions. Make notes about how that situation impacted on you, how it made you feel and the issues it brought up in particular if you had to deal with it again.
The niggle is real, so if you would like to map out your current situation, understand the influencing and contributing factors that might be impacting on your happiness or stealing your joy, book a call. Our holistic investigations, help you understand more than just the abuse you may be subjected to.
Book Consult HereWe have coaches in wellness, life and relationships who are doing amazing work with people and can help you, regardless of whether you want to stay in your relationship or leave.