Fear, Shame, Guilt, Embarrassment, Humiliation, Isolation, Rejection,

Domestic abuse sits on a spectrum and violence is perpetrated by someone you care for and love. This makes it that much more difficult and challenging to accept, let alone tell others about.

You may have built a life with this person.
You may share friends and family.
You may have children together.
You are more than likely financially entwined.

As a society we are conditioned to support, hold space for, tolerate the behaviour of our partner or family in a way that in public would not be accepted or protected. There are natural consequences for poor choices, bad decisions and disrespectful behaviour and often to preserve a relationship we excuse and justify, even defend these choices.

At the beginning of a relationship, many abusers are not abusers at all.

“They play the role of a loving, caring partner, and their abusive behaviors don’t surface for months or years into the relationship. When the abuse does surface, it’s easy for the abuser to make believable excuses—he or she was having a bad day at work, it was just a temporary loss of control, or he or she just had too much to drink.” – Talking Parents

Family, domestic and sexual violence is a major health and welfare issue. It occurs across all ages, socioeconomic and demographic groups but mainly affects women and children. Indigenous women, young women and pregnant women are particularly at risk.

Abusive Behaviours are insidious and without an admission of the intention to be controlling, it can be described and feels like LOVE. Love is a connection where we hold each other accountable for our choices and behaviour. We show affection and have concerns about safety and safety and do and say in the others best interests. There is a very thin line when it comes to expressing the ‘consequence of a reasonable choice’ compared to ‘threats to manipulate an outcome’.

Some examples of overt abuse

Frequently verbally puts you down and makes you feel bad about yourself
Exhibits extreme jealous of your friends or family and prevents you from spending time with them
Spies on you, monitors who you see, where you go, and what you do
Takes your money or refuses to give you money
Forbids you from working
Forces or manipulates you into having sex or performing sexual acts
Threatens to hurt your children, family, or pets
Makes you take drugs or alcohol

Some examples of insidious abuse

Undermines the decision you make for yourself, your time or money – justifying with their decision is better
Starting an argument just before your go out, go to bed or off to work.
Make sarcastic comments about your friends or family that are disparaging.
Asks you to justify your decisions, dismiss your concerns or hijacks the conversation with theirs.
Prioritises their financial welfare and desires above yours without compromise.
Discourages you from working, placing obligations on you to care for children or take leave or days off to suit them
Guilts you into having sex or performing sexual acts
Jokes about or threatens to leave you or the family unit. Conditional obligations
Encourages you take drugs or alcohol to be included
Does not invite you to events or activities.

The repetition of these incidents creates a level of unpredictability. The feeling you are walking on eggs shells, not sure of what’s next.

Over time the relationship dynamics determine the communication styles and conversation patterns that escalate conflict and subject the victim to abuse. The more frustrating of all questions for a victim is the Why? If someone says they love you, why would they treat you in such a way as to not bring out the best version of you. One that is honest, open and transparent. One that is loyal, kind and compassionate. One that is sensitive, thoughtful and supportive.

Being subjected to the insidious acts of abuse is intertwined with acts of love that feels like they care. The show as someone you want to be with ‘most of the time’ but have difficulty or periods where they can not sustain that persona. That is why you need to look at the intention of the behaviour and the agenda of the perpetrator. Personality traits that show up as selfish, unkind, lack of empathy, defaulting to blame and not responsibility, unreasonable requests or questions that spark insecurity often identify the abuser. There intention is control, because that control makes them feel secure and safety.

Read that last line again. An insecure partner will show up jealous, may discourage you from making a choice that makes they feel unsafe in your relationship. The complex nature of relationships requires you to have honest conversations at this point in time. If they refuse, then it should be taken that there intention is control. Learning to communicate fears and insecurities enables your partner to reassure you, acknowledge your importance and encourage your self belief. But it’s not your job to do that all the time.

The Fear of the Consequences – Reporting Abuse

Domestic violence is frequently unreported because of fear.

The outcome of you report the situation to the authorities is unpredictable; you question if they will hurt you, your children, your pets, or other family members? If they will shut down, cut you off or out, isolate you and force you out.

Some victims are afraid no one will believe them.

If the abuse is happening behind closed doors when in public, their spouse behaves like the model partner. Some victims are afraid they will lose custody of their children. Some victims are scared they will bring shame to their family or that their friends and family will judge them.

Some victims are afraid they don’t have the financial resources to support themselves without their partners help, let alone potentially hire a lawyer for a costly divorce or custody battle. For victims with a disability, domestic abuse is especially challenging to report because they are dependent on their abuser for their care.

Social groups and friendships are ultimately affected and cultural sectors have other associated concerns that can impact on the decision to report.