“I know when I was going through my separation, my ex-husband wasn’t being honest.”
So the purpose of this post is about understanding if you are evidence based or intuitive when it comes to accepting the reality of your relationship. This story comes from a number of personal experiences collected over the years from people who were never really sure if they had enough evidence or what type of evidence they needed in order to accept their reality.
Katy, Lyndall and Julie would meet at a quiet cafe in the suburbs. They were supporting each other through what had become and epidemic of separations in their circle. They shared stories of uncertainty, pain and the hallmarks of a relationship breaking down and over their time together, came to see the common threads that would create a ‘fabric of truth’.
Katy:
For me, like many others who live a life of integrity and authenticity, I had to rely on my skills of investigation, do the work on values and boundaries all whilst trying to love and accept him for who he was showing up as. At the time, he wasn’t someone I loved or even liked, but what I did hope for was that the guy I married all those years ago, was still alive, maybe hiding or taking a break.
It’s this hope that when I asked him if he had any………he said he didn’t know. Which for me now was a cowards way of saying NOT TODAY. At this point I would have liked to have had the bandaid ripped off. A definitive decision, an absolute. But it never came and I could only go off the choices and decisions he was making combined with the behaviour I was observing. His words no longer had meaning.
He said he cared, loved and wanted to be there for our family in the future, yet his actions and intermittent behaviour and choices were telling me something different. It left me feeling confused, doubting myself and waiting. Not sure what for now, but I consider myself to be the most patient person on the planet. Not the medal I was competing for. The guessing, doubting and to and fro comments of being unsure is like living with a time bomb inside your chest.
I have no doubt he had moments of confusion too, where he thought we could work things out, just like I did. But in the end the commitment to creating the changes needed was just not there. I kept on asking myself, how much evidence do I need to tell me this thing is over.
It was a difficult and emotional time that dragged on for years, depleting my energy, distracting my focus and filling me with resentment.
He didn’t like seeing me upset nor did he like the impact of some pretty crappy decisions he’d made in past, and the effect it was having on our relationship. After years of sweeping it under the rug and avoiding the hard conversations, not only was our cup full, but the teapot was overflowing.
Lyndall
It’s during those days after separation, you become strangers, don’t you think. The daily ‘we need to do’ tasks become ‘your’ to do list and the distance creeps in. Without open and honest communication my ex became someone I didn’t know anymore. Throughout those emotional peaks and troughs, he was someone I didn’t even recognise or trust. Saying and doing are two very different things, and to stay emotionally safe there needs to be congruency and consistency, to provide the stability and predictability in moving forward. He didn’t give me that and I don’t think he ever knew how to.
That’s why a generosity of thought during the untangling of a relationship is so powerful. It is to think of all the possibilities, excuses, reasons, causes, influencing factors, outcomes and pathways that converged in coming to a decision. Whatever got us to that fork in the road, at that juncture it becomes a choice.
So now I was clearly on this path and along the way there might have be other opportunities, options or alternatives but I was forcing myself to go through the stages of the process, the next logical step away from the relationship. It was my responsibility to weather my emotional storm without bringing him into it.
Julie
During our relationship, conversations about money, children, sex, life goals, careers, friends, family and health were the natural exchange of information between us. As the cracks started to appear it was the lack of these conversations and the observations of his behaviour that communicated his feelings, not his words. Of course compliments, attention and affection were sprinkled in and around some pretty traumatic events, but they were quickly blacklisted as we faced yet another one. In the end, an apology meant nothing. Only changed behaviour became the apology I accepted, but by then, there were so many to make that he I’m sure he felt defeated before he even came out of the training shed to kick his first goal for the day.
And to be honest I’m not sure a whole day dedicated to going over each incident and getting the apology it deserved would have done anything – it needed time to see if things had changed, the fact they had even occurred was enough evidence that our values and virtues were different. Our priorities and communication styles clashed.
Intuitively I felt him check out, as I had done, and despite attempting to have those difficult conversations in the moment, he assured me everything was ok, that he was having a bad day. During the break up he threw the bucket of blame on me like I was the building burning down. A wave of radical acceptance washed over me. Despite knowing that he’d been given opportunity after opportunity to communicate his issues and concerns, to do the work and have the chats that were open, honest and transparent – he chose not to. I had finally been given the evidence of his incapacity. I felt the weight of the burden of guilt slip off my shoulders.
As a result of each day passing without setting the intention to heal wounds of the past, I was able to take one step away from the relationship. The natural consequences of our choice played out, the chill set in and I could only interpret his actions according to the past experiences and meaning I’d attached to those experiences. But I had enough evidence to accept that he had been making informed choices and I intuitively knew.
How do you naturally respond to rejection, resentment and risk?
Julie
Now, I have no problem verbalising and expressing my issues or concerns and learnt early in the relationship to raise them at an ‘appropriate time’ when my ex was open to a discussion. I’d patiently wait, gather my thoughts, reherse the conversation I wanted to have and prepare for the one that I didn’t. I would anticipate the fall out and expect either a shutdown, the conversation to be hijacked or a full blown argument. Something like “I can see how you would think that or it wasn’t my intention” would have lowered the burning flame of fury. But he would immediately jump to his own defence, excusing, explaining, blaming, justifying, denying, dismissing and deflecting.
He would assume I was casting blame or assigning fault in him as a person and he would find a hot coal to throw back. I would interpret these behaviours as a deliberate insult on my intelligence and take a deep breath, catching a glimpse of his determination to make this my issue – not his. And it was. It was my issue in our relationship.
The arguing was exhausting but it extracted the evidence I needed in years to come that a ‘difficult relationship’ didn’t have to get so bad before you leave.
What I hated the most in these conflict episodes was how he would draw me in to justify my concerns over and over, answering my question with a question like ‘when did I say that?’, ‘how many times did I do that?’, and statements like ‘it’s not like I go out that often’. It got to the point where he would defend the hurt he caused, saying ‘you couldn’t give me what I wanted, and she could’ – ooohhhh that stung. He hadn’t even asked, not in a way that I heard at least. I think tapping me on the shoulder when I’m asleep doesn’t count as a effective conversation.
The level of conflict and height of the abusive exchanged often depended on his level of intoxication, but towards the end of the relationship I just didn’t bother. I let natural consequences play out and gave myself permission to express myself when I needed, no longer on his schedule. This created the natural guardrails for a relationship that was already off track. The frequency increased and before we knew it, within weeks we were completely derailed.
There were days of confusion where my emotions were in the stages of grief for the dreams and the life I wanted but wouldn’t have. Despite intuitively knowing it was falling apart, I still felt shattered in disbelief, questioning myself. The intensity of the conflict had subsided so I would turn to the evidence I had collected over the years. It took me straight back to the frustration, rage and dependency on his approval.
Physical records of events and diary of emotions.
I was an avid journalist of my own life, recording the incidents in my own words, labelling the emotion and then exploring the internet for interpretations. There were some hard lessons, steep learning curves and a lot of work done to return to a place where I was living my values not longing for them. I engaged counselling, coaching, communication courses as well as the expert advice of an energy healer who gave me the best advice ever. ‘Don’t make any rash decisions.’
She advised me to learn to regulate my own emotions first, observe my relationship from the outside and refrain from reacting (letting the insults, allegations and his insecurities wash over me.). Overreacting would be his interpretation.
‘Don’t take anything personally. Listen carefully to the language he uses. Watch his behaviour, accept his decisions as his own and respond accordingly.’ she said.
MVI. Most Valuable Information
It was the time I needed to collect the physical evidence of the patterns that existed in our relationship. It was the virtual evidence that reinforced what I had already recorded over the years. It highlighted the problems I had encountered in the past, they were the dynamics of abuse.
Gaslighting, minimisation, dismissive comments and shut downs. Stonewalling, Sabotage and Silent Treatment. They caused me to doubt my perception of the reality I was living. They would put me into a physical state of pain and tension, again waiting. The love bombing and passive anger, the sarcasm and undermining pushed me to the extremes of the emotional spectrum. I danced at the door of anger and rage, swam in guilt and insecurity. I did not like this girl at all.
Katy
I learnt to identify where I was at first, challenged myself to see things differently and then assess his intentions. Discovering his agenda was the revelation I needed and it made the decision making easier.
Every time I applied the process, I restored my self belief, self worth and self confidence. Even as a skilled investigator, it took mountains of physical evidence and emotionally charged journals to finally convince myself that what I was feeling was my truth. A fabric I needed to weave with my values, virtues, goals and dreams.
This was not love. I wasn’t in love with him. I was in love with the idea of him and my family staying together.
My best advice was doing what you will say you will do is the most practical way to show someone you care about them. He didn’t do that. His behaviour contradicts the words and without witnesses, he could paint the scenario he wanted others to see and furnish our bubble to suit his needs. Isolation was his secret weapon.
Julie
Whilst we don’t have to justify, explain or defend (J.E.D.) choices and decisions, sharing them helps the other person develop an understanding. Left up to interpretation, making assumptions and presuming the outcome creates more chaos and leave a trail of carnage. It is the gas lighters secret weapon,
‘That’s just what I thought you meant, (clearly I was wrong).’
“That’s what I assumed you were talking about, (no I didn’t check back in with you about that)
“That’s not what I meant, I didn’t say that, (well I did but didn’t mean it the way you took it)’
These are the defences deployed by an abuser to justify, explain and defend (J.E.D.)
Lyndall
Assuming and Forecasting.
These are common tactic used in a situation, argument or conversation and it doesn’t give credence to full comprehension when they choose not to clarify.
The first thing we are taught in life is to consume the information, clarify the details and confirm them.
This is done by repeating back to the person, ‘So what I hear you saying is……….’
Assuming the details, responses or outcomes are dangerous for relationships, especially those breaking down. I found calmly asking the question to clarify his interpretation and meanings was one sided. He didn’t ask for clarification, leaving me to assume he understood. I also made the assumption he didn’t care, but clearly he did when I followed through on the outcomes of our conversation. And then when I would catch and call out his contradiction, it was the engagement he craved, an opportunity to throw more mud or thrash out his frustrations. Not fruitful or productive.
Avoid, Manipulate, Manage.
These are typical avoidant responses.
“I didn’t say anything because I knew you would take it the wrong way.’
This is in no way respecting the other person. To avoid the confrontation is manipulation. To omit or withhold is to manage the outcome. Both managing or manipulating are neither good or bad. The intention behind the manipulation or management is the sinister act of control.
Finally, honouring the upheaval and emotional impact of separation or divorce and that it inevitably creates insecurity, anxiety and hurt, is actually about offering the reassurance that together you will support each other to find their own way. It’s not favours, blackmail, tit for tat, this for that, bribes, blame or trading in guilt. It’s acknowledging how hard it is, how painful it must be and that where once intimacy consumed a space between them is now a void of what might have been.
Evidence is a collection of facts and feelings. But remember
#feelingsaren’tfacts.
Intuition is a sense of knowing how to react spontaneously without needing to know why.
#whisperingofthesoul
