In a nutshell, financial abuse is when someone else uses controlling behaviours and abusive tactics to influence and enforce your financial situation, restrict funds or affect emotional distress to obtain and advantage or money for their benefit.
Comments that shame your financial decision making, restrict your access and limit your choices financially or instil fear out of obligation to financial committments is the psychological abuse and emotional blackmail that is often seen in financial abuse.
It’s where the perpetrator may appear kind and agreeable, but you discover there is an alternative agenda and intentions. It’s where they ask for financial support or assistance only to attach judgement on your character or attributes if the requests is denied or baulked at.
Such as ‘If you were kind……….. you would give me the money. If you were a good wife, you wouldn’t question me. If you were a good mother, you would do it for your children.
They will make sweeping statements that trade in guilt like ‘You’re just trying to fuck/screw me over, or ruin me…….
This is most common in post separation abuse and is often where you see the worst kinds of financial abuse. Perpetrators will lie about their employment, income and capacity. They know that the other parent will not let the children go without, so they opt out or worse, claim not to have the money – which actually means they don’t have the capacity to care for their child if prolonged. This is usually a time where the less financially safe parent is put under extreme stress and strain of child related expenses, with the other parent scrutinising costs and expenses or not contributing at all.
This is important evidence in a court matter for child protection, custody or financial settlement. Parents continue to have a financial obligation to maintain themselves and provide for their children, and in the event they cannot care for the child, in the case of employment, then must provide financial compensation or child support to the caring parent.
To refuse this is financial abuse.
They attach conditions to the use of money, such as, sexual acts. They tether financial or emotional benefits for themselves that is disproportionate and unrelated. Asking you to do something in return or purchase something for them in exchange of.
As you can see it become what is known as a trade off or bargaining. To get you must give or give up. The abusive aspect is when the ‘need’ is essential and their request is a ‘want’. This is not compromise, it is about control and complying with demands.
It is the coercion and exploitation of an intimate partner and their resources, the suppression or disruption of financial stability. Threats such as ‘I’ll sell the house, I’ll kick you out of the house. Putting the car in their name and claiming the asset, not allowing you to use it unless permission is granted all amount to micro acts of abuse.
It is a demand that you hand over income streams or lump sums into a joint account. It is to question or berate you when spending money.
It is trading off the control and access to your financials, giving up power and authority in return for emotional and psychological attention. It is the threat of being cut off, abandoned and left to ‘do it on your own’ if you do not comply.
It is a compelling feeling after being instructed or given rules to follow. With punishment to follow if not complied with or breached.
There is a fine line between partnership accountability and abuse.
Financial accountability in intimate partner relationships is the discussing, planning and contributing to a financial agreement that is fair, equitable and consented to without influence, fear or advantage. It’s an understanding gained after an open and honest conversation.
As you read through what financial abuse looks and feels like you can start to imagine the broad spectrum of behaviours that fall under the umbrella of financial abuse much of it encompasses emotional abuse as well.
Perpetrators of emotional abuse know your ‘weakness’ and ‘vulnerabilities’ and weaponise these to undermine your confidence. It’s important to know your rights, acknowledge the responsibilites and accept the inevitable.
Financial Abuse is about control and power.
It can be subtle insinuations though to the stand over and threats of compliance. It goes from a known look of dissapointment and resentment to an unsuspecting explosion over something minor. It could be days of silent treatment or exclusion. It is commonly experienced by those with addictions, especially when financial support for alcohol, drugs and gambling has been provided and is expected to be given to ‘save’ the family unit.
‘If you loved me you would……’
It will seep in under ‘entitlement‘ and stay as long as it is enabled. It is also seen when acquiring debt and the selling of assets with or without consent or knowledge.
In these situations, the abuser might:
– Take your money and/or credit cards without telling you
– Demand that you give them your pay check and financial passwords
– Guilt you into paying their bills or items they cannot or do not wish to pay for
- Run up debts in your name without your permission
- Set up accounts for utilities in your name and leave you liable.
Or a financial abuser might
- Make harassing phone calls to you and others at your place of work about money
- Send emails demanding they are entitled to amounts of finance in dispute
– Try to convince you to quit your job or limit your hours with obligations at home
– Take actions that make it impossible for you to get to work, like taking your car without telling you, not caring for children when agreed, leaving you to make emergency care arrangements, take sick days or annual leave.
– Sabotage important projects by distracting you or destroying the materials you need to complete your work, hijacking your time with arguments and criticism.
- Forbid you from getting a job or attending training that would make you eligible for employment.
It could be where the abuse wears you down so much that you feel so hopeless that you reduce your hours, quit your job or take a lower paying or casual work to accommodate their needs.
Clients have told me,
‘He started by stealing cash from my wallet.Just a little at a time. He’d lie straight to my face, gaslighting me to believe I lost or misplaced it.’
She’d use the ‘only for an emergency account’ to pay for her wants and promise to pay it back and never did.
He’d emptied my bank account.
When we got married, the bank account was in both our names and she would only allow me spending money of $100 a week.
When I worked, he transferred my salary onto the mortgage so I had no money to spend and he kept his and controlled the expenses and utilities. He decided where the money would be spent and when.
He put accounts in my name and wouldn’t pay the bills and I would get these horrible calls demanding the account be paid. It would cause me stress, knowing I had to have that conversation with him.
When I went back to study and retrain for a new career, he would sabotage my study time, try to distract me from my training and cause these incidents where I would have to leave what I was doing to attend to it. Then he would argue with me or say that I didn’t spend enough time with him.
When he left, he split the mortgage payments in half and then later refused to pay the mortgage or negotiate selling the house or a settlement. He made legal threats and demanded I pay for half of the children’s expenses he had incurred during his time with them, he made threats to sell our home unless I do as he says.
Or financial abuse could involve someone trying to control every little detail of your budget.
The abuser might
– Shut you out of financial decision-making, making unilateral decisions about big purchases, home improvements or dictate holiday destinations and budgets.
– Put you on an allowance or refuse you access to cash
- Demand that you hand over receipts for every single item you buy or seek permission to make a simple purchase.
Most couples agree on a price threshold when consultation with each other is needed but this is taking it to the next degree.
– Hold you to a double standard, where they can spend their cash but you’re expected to scrimp and save and wait.
– Take away your debit cards so you have to rely on them for money
Parents and family members can also be financially abusive.
The abuser might:
– Ruin their child’s credit by taking out loans and credit cards in their name and letting the debt go to collections
– Misuse their child’s student loan funds
– Guilt a family member into working for free in a family business
– Confiscate a dependent family member’s pay from work outside the home
– Demand a dependant pay for something significant and keep it a secret from the other parent, in particular step parents weaponising the trust of the biological parent.
– Steal from an ageing parent or grandparent, applying pressure and claiming to be a victim.
– Trick an ageing parent into signing financial documents
And it can even occur within friendships.
In these situations, the abuser might:
– Manipulate friends into paying for their outings
– Bully you about how much money you make
– Buy extravagant gifts to make you feel indebted to them
– Repeatedly borrow money without paying you back
– Promise to buy things for you in the future if you do things their way
“Financial abuse sits on a spectrum with an abuser remaining chronically unemployed or under-employed, hiding financial resources such as cash earnt on the side and the entire financial strain is upon one partner or family member.”
It will feel like they opt in and out only when there is a benefit for them to participate.
“On the opposite side of the financial abuse range is the individuals who cut off the victim from access to finances and create an environment where the victim is wholly financially dependent on the abuser.”
And just like in domestic violence, the abuse tends to start small and then escalate.
It can begin with a few dollars missing here and there, but end with ruined credit or even bankruptcy, ultimately leaving a trail of destruction.
The tactics that financial abusers use run the gamut from almost-ordinary couple stuff to actual criminal acts inside the home.
Another thing that can make financial abuse a little trickier to identify is the fact that some of these behaviors can look similar to arrangements in relationships that don’t involve abuse.
For example, if one partner in a relationship uses their income to pay all the bills or has an allowance, that’s not necessarily bad. Couples in healthy relationships often agree to these kinds of arrangements – managing and discussing money on a regular basis with open, honest and transparent conversations. So it can absolutely work, but when trust is eroded, in particular after betrayal from affairs or gambling addictions are exposed where money was spent recklessly or with the intent to deceive, it is a consideration often dismissed as irrelevant or unrelated, but it plays a very big part in what parts of our life we continue to invest in the relationship.
The cost of financial betrayal is also emotional abuse.
For any of these behaviours to really add up to abuse, they’ll be present along with a power imbalance in the relationship and a pattern of disregard for one partner’s desires and autonomy. So maybe your partner screws up buys a car without talking to you first. BUT then they admit their mistake, pay you back, and it never happens again — that’s not exactly abuse.
If your partner plays victim saying he needs financial support and you discover his funds are going elsewhere like a holiday or a singles cruise, you may feel deceived. So understand this is not just a case of different priorities. It’s DISRESPECT.
Being able to discuss priorities and the capacity to negotiate them are signs of a healthy relationship.
However, if your partner has a habit of running up the balance on your credit card behind your back, you can consider that a great big red flag.
Working together towards a common goal and supporting each others increases trust and defuses conflict.
Then on the other hand, you’ve got things like stealing, forgery, and identity theft that are clear-cut crimes. While it is possible to press charges, many victim’s sadly don’t because of fear of retaliation and feelings of insecurity and self-blame.
Many report feeling compelled whilst others describe how they were blackmailed into compliance, submission or acquiescing
Though many statistics and studies around this topic focus on women, people of all genders and ages have experienced financial abuse.
Financial abusers lie, manipulate, coerce, and demean their victims so they can take control over the relationship.
Financial abuse often goes hand in hand with other forms of abuse as outlined in the examples above, but even worse, financial abuse can make victims feel powerless to walk away from a harmful relationship.
For the abuser, that’s the whole point.
It’s not as much about the money as it is about controlling someone else’s choices and decisions and the associated behaviour by instilling fear, confusion and creating a dependence. If they can keep their victim feeling out of control, off centre and unable to keep up financially, then they’re that much less likely to get out.
ACCEPT AND UNDERSTAND
“money is the weapon of choice for an abuser,
and in turn they use the systems and processes
that are costly and financially exhausting.”
So now it’s time to identify, what are the early warning signs of financial abuse, and how can you protect yourself?
Abuse begins with quickly building trust, maybe something paid for so you feel indebted or the pushing of boundaries in small ways to see what they can get away with.
Discussions about money is difficult for many people, and can be an uncomfortable conversation when pressed for details, such as asking for how much you earn? or how much did that cost?
If your new partner asks for short term loan or to cover a cost until he gets paid, you may feel obligated and it feels like they are extending the friendship. Watch out for the people pleaser in you. Only do what is within your budget or consciously consent to the agreement. You shouldn’t have to remind someone to pay you back and if you do it more than once, it’s a sign of disrespect.
Additionally, keeping an eye on your credit report or using a credit monitoring service so you can find out quickly if someone else has opened a new account in your name. Your partner has access to intimate details of your life, such as birth date, favourite things and information from your childhood or past – which are often the questions asked by institutions as verification.
Know your numbers. Keep a budget. This is so important to understand at age stage of your relationship so that you are aware of your financial capacity and expenditure. Making good financial decisions and planning requires an open conversation if your partner is not up for this or dismisses it’s importance, they likely have something to hide or want to avoid the awkward conversation. Some people are given to financial literacy to have meaning conversations
And if you choose to share finances in a relationship, it’s a priority that both partners have access to any joint accounts.
Going through financial abuse is difficult and frightening. It places strain on your sense of security and questions your self worth. It can make you feel vulnerable and the very nature of financial abuse is insidious as the abuser identifies and exploits the opportunities in which you extend trust to create an advantage for themselves.
Remember:
Abuse thrives on secrecy, judgement and shame. Financial shame plays a significant role in the life of someone who has been taken advantage of or financially harmed. Victims of financial abuse must be reminded they are not to blame for the abuse they were subjected to. All responsibility remains where it belongs, which is with the abuser.
How to report financial abuse and gather the evidence to prove it.
There is very little protection for financial abuse. Victim’s are often left with empty bank account and holding the bill.
- Any written rules about financials, in particular text messages, emails.
- Personal Journal entries where it became a concerns
- Information from previous partners.
- Incidents in which you were being marginalised or asked to justify spending
- Records that provide receipts of money or imbalanced spending.
- Calendar of events or diary of incidents
- Video recordings of arguments and conversations.
- Audio recordings of arguments or conversations.
- Photos or receipts of purchases
- Medical disclosures or psychologist notes
- Names of family you have spoken to.
- Police Reports
- Details of conversations with banks, creditors or utility companies
- Photos of weapons used to harm or threaten you
- Witness of incidents such as disputes when eating out.
- Images of broken property that cost you money to replace – phone, laptop
- Voice mails
- Possible Indicators of Financial and Material Abuse
- Unexplained withdrawals from the bank.
- Unusual activity in the bank accounts.
- Unpaid bills.
- Unexplained shortage of money.
- Reluctance on the part of the person with responsibility for the funds to provide basic food and clothes etc.
- Fraud.
- Theft.
What to do Next?
Safety Plan including accessing money or financial support that will allow you to leave. Take out a loan, redraw on the mortgage, apply for a credit card.
If your communication needs to get back on track
Keep the lines of communication open, and get comfortable with expressing any concerns you might have to your partner. Sit down with your partner, and re-evaluate how you’re handling money as a couple. Agree to check in on your finances together once a month. Having a regular conversation can help stifle controlling tendencies before they get too serious.
If you partner seems somewhat controlling
Be aware of your own financial situation. Start with a simple financial monitoring tool such as Mint, Credit Karma or LearnVest. Being informed about your own finances will help you take back some of the control you may have lost.
If your partner is willing, you also might consider couples’ therapy or seek a session with a professional financial advisor.
If you think you’re dealing with a financial bully
It’s important to address issues as soon as possible.
If your partner is unwilling to change his or her ways, take steps to protect yourself and your finances.
Talk with someone you trust, like a friend or family member, or a financial advisor or accountant. Be prepared to take some serious steps to stop financial abuse, like changing the PINs or passwords on your financial accounts or putting a fraud alert on your credit.
Inform your partner that you have concerns and can no longer invest financially in the relationship any more than you are. That they no longer have access to your money and establish boundaries around purchases, including takeaway, alcohol and other things that over time add up if you’re always the one paying the bill.
This is the final bottom line.
Financial bullying can cause serious damage to your relationships. Being able to recognise warning signs and catch it early on will help reduce the financial loss and emotional cost.
You are within your rights to control your own money and spend as you wish, giving rise to the expectations and responsibilities in your relationship.
Most importantly, don’t enable the abuser in the relationship. If your partner has capacity to purchase want he wants, he has capacity to purchase what he needs. If he refuses to change seek the support of friends, family and professionals and get the help you need to get out of this dangerous situation.
If you need help gathering the evidence of financial abuse and presenting it in a way that is both compliant to Criminal, Civil and Family Law, contact upstream who can help map out the timeline, identify the incident and collate the evidence to prove intention and agenda.
