Post Separation Abuse

We know and accept that Family and Domestic violence (DV) is more than just physical abuse. But now that you are considering the idea of separating or have recently separated from your partner, it’s time to get smarter and be more strategic. 

Why?

Because if they don’t already know you are leaving, they have already thought hard about their self preservation plan. Whether it’s ego, image or money,  this is not about winning, sometimes this is just about surviving the aftermath of rejection, the build up of resentment, strands of anger and silos of jealously. 

But if you are the one that has been left, I can imagine you might feel heart-broken, terrified and desperate for answers.  You may not be getting the explain you need to move on, so if you’ve been journaling those emotions, recording those days you feel that sick pit in your stomach or scribbled down the unrepeatable words that were said to wound your soul, then it’s time to re-read them and this time with the intention of identifying any patterns of abuse.  The past is a great predictor of the future behaviour you can expect to face – and worse when things don’t go their way. 

• Did he pick a fight or make issue with a trival concern right before bed, going out or whilst you were doing your own thing. – He’s the hijacker. 
• Did she pull in every incident of the past to make her point that you are hopeless, unthoughtful and useless. – She is the Prosecutor.
• Did he shut down and give you the silent treatment when he didn’t get his way. He is the Stonewaller.

During a relationship, domestic violence is a combination of controlling behaviours, physical violence, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, and financial abuse. Assaults, Stalking, Harassment, Intimidation, Threats, Isolation, Exclusion, Undermining, Passive Aggressive Comments, the Silent Treatment, Stonewalling, Pitting you against the Children and Gaslighting are just some of the types of behaviour which reflect the disrespectful attitude in a relationship as it breaks away. 

If they don’t deal with rejection very well, and you’ll know that from your time with them, the conflict is not about getting back together, missing you or wanting a second chance.  

Research shows that when the relationship ends, the abuse does not stop. In fact, it morphs into a different kind of abuse that starts post separation.   It can be more dangerous, more frightening and deadly.

The longer post separation abuse continues, the more likely it is to escalate and exceed any expectation that the victim was subjected to whilst loving and living with them. It’s enough to make you want to play small, shut down and retreat.  So, if they didn’t during the relationship, in the end, the perpetrator sets their sights on the children, having lost control over you directly. They know that by managing and manipulating the children they impact on the victims future plans, existing schedules and emotions.  Using their role as the parent, they exert control, over and terrorize the healthy parent with unpredictability, thoughtlessness, demanding and selfishness disguised as ‘parental responsibilities’ not previously exercised.

Every high-conflict custody battle has three basic narratives:

• the abuser’s need for control,
• the abuser’s need to “win” and,
• the abuser’s desire to hurt or punish the healthy parent.

The impact of post-separation abuse is immediate and long-lasting.  The effect on children results in high adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). This term is used to describe any traumatic event during childhood such as divorce, violence, emotional abuse, neglect, substance abuse or even an environment that undermines a child’s sense of bonding or stability.

The ACE Study: 

While there are many resources available to victims of DV during the relationship, there are only limited resources available to victims of post-separation abuse and it usually involves police which deal with interpersonal relationship crimes if they meet threshold of the legislation. 

The family court system itself (judges, mediators, minor’s counsel, custody evaluators, therapists, co-parenting counselors, parenting coordinators and attorneys) are attempting to resolve issues and concerns that have caused conflict for years and tolerated. 

It is so important for those in the family court system to be educated on post-separation abuse, and to recognize that in high-conflict divorces, custody battles and paternity cases, protective measures and communication infrastructure that supports the well-being of the healthy parent is the priority.  In particular to reduce the impact of childhood trauma on children. 

 

Recognising Post Parenting Abuse.

Post-separation abuse is one of the main concerns when victims are considering leaving their partner.  Post-separation control is a form of abuse that men* use to maintain power and control over women, long after a relationship or marriage is over. Abusive men are just as likely to be lawyers, accountants, Police and judges as they are to be unemployed. It’s about power and control. 

To help understand the various aspects of coercive and controlling behaviour here are some examples that will help you identify it.

Counter Parenting

• Undermines the safe parent’s parenting abilities and decisions, sabotaging or interfering, cancelling at the last minute.  Leaving the healthy parent to support the children through disappointment. 

• Denies or withholds consent/care for child’s medical or therapeutic needs, delays decisions and refuses to contribute financially.

• Seeks to impose opposing values in the child to spite the safe parent, polarising expectations and enabling behaviours that are counter productive.

Alienation Allegations

• Child favours the safe parent and rejects the abusive parent leading to false allegations of alienation by the abusive parent who has neglected the relationship and failed to build the foundations of connection.

• Parental alienation claims lodged against the safe parent as a legal strategy to cast doubt on the credibility of their parenting.

• Valid claims of abuse are dismissed and labeled as alienation by the abusive parent as a defensive tactic

Neglectful or Abusive Parenting

• Expose the children to unsafe content, situations, or people, which creates concern and fear in the safe parent, including alcohol, pornography, drugs or violence. 

• Uses violence or threat of, intimidation, other threats, manipulation, and ridicule to gain compliance from the children.  Denigration of healthy parent and using discipline strategies to instill fear.

• Abusive parent places their own needs and desires above the needs of the child, including choosing to attend events or spend time with friends instead of children.

Isolation

• Spreads lies and rumors to family, friends, teachers, and community relationships to discredit the safe parent and destroy their support system and reputation.

• Paints a false narrative, projecting their own issues to discredit the safe parent.

• Withholds child’s social interaction to maintain abusive parents’ sphere of control

Harassment & Stalking

• Bombards the healthy parent with an overwhelming number of emails, phone calls, and manipulative, threatening, and abusive messages or send loving cards, unwanted gifts or  overwhelming messages and apologies.

• Monitors whereabouts, social interactions, social media, etc. via devices, online communications tools, or spyware

• Terrorizes and intimidates safe parent with threats without rising to the level of involving law enforcement, but with subtle references to drawn out legal battles and financial investigations.

Legal Abuse

• Misuse of court proceedings to control, harass, intimidate, coerce, and exhaust the financial and emotional resources of the safe parent, weaponising protection orders.

• Disregards court orders, makes false reports, deliberately causes delays in court proceedings, and makes legal threats to assert power and control over the safe parent.  Claims ignorance and lack of understanding of proceedings or consequences.

• Seeks a change in custody only as a means of revenge, punishment, and continued control over the safe parent

Financial Abuse

• Withholds, mismanages, or delays child support payments and other court-ordered reimbursements.

• Blocks access to bank accounts and other financial resources, removes money from joint accounts, transfers or cancels other subscriptions and utilities.

• Interferes or jeopardizes job interviews, employment, or career advancement of the safe parent

• Misuse of litigation to disadvantage the safe parent financially

Coercive Control

• Instills a sense of fear that pervades all elements of the safe parent’s life, where they live, their job and future.

• Consistently belittles, undermines, shames, and criticizes the safe parent. Pointing out flaws and failures.

• Strategically manipulates family, friends, or community into conflict with the safe parent to remain in control and gain an advantage (triangulation)

• Imposes a false narrative to make the safe parent doubt their reality, memory, and perceptions (gaslighting).  It will sound like a similar or could be the complete opposite.  It’s a psychological punch when you observe this behaviour.  It literally sends you crazy, as the evidence is before you, but the words coming out of their mouth doesn’t equate. 

To find out more about gaslighting – read this blog, where we dedicate, explain and describe just how they do it.