Romantic Relationships are the intense emotional exchange between two people. Growing up we learn that love is the extreme emotions of lust through to anger, a spectrum that endures and supports each other through the good and the bad. “You are my rock” has become a common phrase that deepens the appreciation and connection, which, if left unchecked can cause the dependency so many succumb to.
Over time, relationships form patterns and a style of communication with little insider jokes, funny memes and memories that are unique, or so we think. Body language gives us the signals around what is expectations and sets up assumptions, eventually just a look can define the mood of the other. So intimate is the connection, the vibration of their energy can be felt in the room or on the phone.
The breadcrumbs of affection are the simple touch, the loving gestures and kind words used to express our care for that special someone, but they are also the same way we communicate our disappointment, frustration and irritation, well it’s more that the breadcrumbs are spread more sparingly.
A healthy relationship allows for grievances and concerns to be addressed, respectfully. Active listening, compassion, empathy, support and understanding swirl and swaddle around the pain our loved one is feeling. Their state of mind or mood, may or may not be attributed to something you did or didn’t do, but what it reflects is the way they have responded to it, not your intention.
As unmet expectations and unreasonable assumptions creep in, we do what we can to manage, please and appease so the breadcrumbs keep coming. The push pull, give and take, submit and withdraw of this ‘love’ is often conditional to the situations, words, circumstances and behaviours and has been the studies for psychologists especially in our childhood years. This is where we learn to identify that feeling of love and connection – a human need and craving. But the dependency from this feeling from someone else is actually a sign you are experiencing low self worth.
I can best describe it in these two ways.
- You eat something and it’s off – you can taste it, smell it.
- You receive a call from a friend and every time you speak to them ,they drain you of energy and you leave feeling exhausted, confused and frustrated.
This is what we refer to this as the Chilling Effect. Defined as the inhibition or discouragement of the legitimate exercise of natural and legal rights by the threat of legal sanction.
“Chilling” in this context normally implies an undesirable slowing.
When natural conflict in a relationship starts to escalate, couples who cross the line and don’t process the resentment of rejections is like planting the seeds of toxicity. The other person starts to compensate, compromise and comply what is outside the normal range – but will Justify, Excuse and Defend this tiny push across a boundary, hoping it will get better.
To explain a little more, Jess Hill gave this great presentation and talks to it more in her podcast The Trap.
Over time, the conversations become shorter, the topic list diminishes to be about the dog and soccer and there is little left of interest to discuss. The effort required to maintain the peace becomes tiresome and saying not much at all is the only thing guaranteed to avoid conflict.
An appreciative text of just ‘how we make a great team and get along so well’ infuriates this writer at the end of her marriage. Not one to not rock the boat, and having done so for years due to the concerns around his mental health – the temptation was too much.
Without flinching or thinking a kinder response was appropriate. She replies.
‘Yes, I agree, If I kept my mouth shut and legs open, we got along just fine.’
You see compliance for ‘giving’ him sex was rewarded with breadcrumbs of affection, but withdrawn just as quickly in frustration and anger. And there was plenty to be angry at himself about after nearly two decades together. It felt like I was being used to satisfy him and as long as I didn’t raise these concerns or issues, he wouldn’t make my life miserable and the happy ever after would continue. But for years, this price became too high.
Now the point of this piece is to illuminate, what opportunities of reflection create. If this is the way he had behaved at the beginning of our relationship, it would have been over within months. But it is the insidious micro acts of aggression, the passive plays he called ‘love’ that slowly pushes out the boundaries of tolerance and then like a balloon it hits a peak capacity and pops!
I knew what conversations to avoid, what topics were off limits and when I saw the need to discuss them it was the testing period of ‘is this how I want to live my life?’ It was usually the same answer – No. I don’t want to be with someone who makes me doubt myself, self worth or value. I had been reduced to a vagina and bank account, a dark and pathetic ending to the hopes I had for our family. But I was ok, being the villain in his story, because he had slipped below the minimum water line for this boat to stay afloat.
It never felt that bad, until I said it outloud in therapy. I had been enabling his behaviour, waiting for him to change or get better all the while dropping my standard and stripping myself of the worth I placed on this, my one and only life. My friends and family played the long game, supporting my every decision and were there on the day it was over.
I was a witness to the abuse in my life, but I was also an active participant. Slowly rebuilding my confidence, capacity and compassion for myself that was to become the foundations of respectfully saying no, shutting off and detaching from the tethered life with him. I learnt to breathe deeper, say less and do more for myself – and from that we get along just fine.
