I want to talk more about the differences in ‘feeling safe’ between men and women and men and men. As it plays a significant role in how ‘Stalking’ is dealt with by authorities.
But first……… Stalking usually occurs after the break-down of a relationship. Although, both people may have tolerated the kind of behaviour that amounts to stalking within a relationship. This includes monitoring the whereabouts, tracking and following your partner. Snooping through their phone or turning up unannounced.
There are laws of privacy that are often breached in a relationship due to its intimate nature, but when the relationship has stopped or changed, privacy and the right to privacy is returned and permission is revoked.
PRIVACY: RETURNED AND REVOKED
The Couples counselors I contacted about this topic shared several important statements about stalking.
‘The person wanting your attention is trying to resolve some sort of pain or insecurity for themselves, so you will NEED to inform them that you do not want them to contact you or clearly communicate the type of relationship and conversations you would like to have. Preferably ones that don’t trigger fear and anxiety. This is a conversation.
It’s not easy and if you have experienced abuse or violence in the past with them, where they have ignored your requests, dismissed your concerns or punished you for objecting to their behaviour. You may have genuine fears for your own safety, physically, emotionally, psychologically or socially. You shouldn’t feel bad about or scared to set strong boundaries around your time, energy and focus.
Your well-being and capacity to function on a day to day basis is the priority. I would encourage you to seek the support and help you need to feel good about you. Self care, counselling and getting organised will elevate your mood and help you manage the stress. If you can’t have the conversation with them or they don’t seem to be able to ‘read the room’, it may be necessary for a third party to do that.
So what can I do about someone stalking me?
I think a great place to start is with what you can control.
And that’s you. Your actions. Your behaviour. Your thoughts. You’ll have feelings that fluctuate and alert you to boundaries being crossed and emotions are reactive to your surroundings, situation and circumstances. So it’s time to get that sorted. Working with a counselor or therapist to identify your top concerns and talk through the impact the situation is having on you will also give you the confidence and language to communicate these fears and anxiety to others, including the police. Before going to the Police understand the natural consequences of a domestic violence investigation
So lets talk about them, the person stalking you is known as the Perpetrator and ‘offences’ are categorised depending on their behaviour. They are often driven by unresolved resentment, rejection, revenge, jealously or hurt. It’s starts from a place of frustration, annoyance or insecurity and the breakdown in communication. Whether I’m speaking to victims or offenders, both parties make the comment that they don’t feel heard, validated and considered. So conversations may become hostile, heated or aggressive during confrontations and conflict. If the perpetrator is wanting either a confrontation or conflict, you have to ask yourself why?
To find out why, read the next article about Rejection, Resentment and Revenge where you’ll learn to identify the associated behaviour.