“Broadly defined as a pattern of behaviours used to intimidate, humiliate, surveil and control another person”.
It is the silent, hidden and deathly threat that is often difficult to identify and hard to prosecute. They are the subtle behaviours that accumulate over time, instilling fear of abandonment, rejection, betrayal and a sense of injustice and unworthiness. Broad strokes of trauma that change the decisions you make and the life you want to live.
‘Pleasing, Complying and Worry.’ Layered with Suspicion, Doubts, Disrespect.
Domestic Violence and Coercive Control are intersectional and are often impacted by mental health, addictions and dysfunctional communication styles. It is the imbalance of power physically, emotionally, financially and psychologically. It is where social norms and relationship expectations cross over to breach human rights and child protection laws. It encases entitlement, male primacy and suppression of choice.
Controlling behaviour is a range of act s designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them, while coercive behaviour includes assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation.
It is a form of domestic abuse, and if someone continuously acts in this way towards a partner or family member, knowing that the behaviour is having a serious effect on the victim, then it is considered an offence.
In the context of each incident of abuse or an act of violence close examination of the facts in that situation do not always take into consideration the root cause or emotional concerns of the survivor. Victims find it difficult to articulate the burning issue that sparks a ‘verbal argument’, that becomes the blaze of fury and anger.
To find the evidence we must assess the behaviour and identify the intention. That means going upstream to the why’s.
The current system and structure is complex and complicated.
Coercive Control is the intentional behaviour of a perpetrator to micromanage, intimidate, survey and disempower their victim. To limit their choices by instill fear using tactics and techniques such as anger, threats of harm, isolation, silent treatment, deflection, humiliation and guilt. To elicit empathy, compassion and sympathy by threatening self harm as the consequence of a particular choice. To minimise self worth with degradation and invalidate an experience or the impact of a situation.
It’s also important to understand the macro and micro factors that influence the current state of the relationship and the dynamic it creates and identify the limitations of intervention.
Coercive Control is a number of insidious behaviours that look and feel like compromise.
They become the dance of disrespect, mistrust and unpredictability.
The impact of past behaviour cannot be underestimated. When assessing a victim’s current state, much of what they thought was ‘relationship conflict’ becomes the reactive behaviour of being abused, to which many unwittingly engage in (enabling or protesting) so that they could survive. Rationalising, justifying and excusing behaviour that steals from them power and self respect.
Coercive Control victims are subjected to a spectrum of behaviours from acts of kindness to fits of rage, leaving them confused and adjusting their own behaviour to avoid triggering unpredictable conflict.
OPTIONS AND OPPORTUNITIES
With the pending criminalisation of coercive control we are about to give permission to the state and our governments to walk through our front doors and apply police practices of incarceration and criminal proceedings to resolve complex relationship dynamics. Whilst I am for holding perpetrators accountable, given the level of discernment not demonstrated by investigators when it comes to identifying reactive abuse or violence, there are fears that many more victims will be the misidentified offender. Standing up to abuse, responding to violence to protect self and children is a defense that must be proven or at least cast doubt on the allegations. So it is not the system that is the problem, it is the process.
There are arguments for and against the criminalisation of the types of behaviour that naturally exist in relationships of about 80% of household around Australia. The incarceration approach has produced more misidentified offenders and failed to hold perpetrators accountable in situations that given other opportunities such as counselling, mediation and negotiation.
Limited by resources of time and people, DFV investigations are only viewed through the criminal lense which discounts the mental health, finanical and parenting issues families are trying to resolve.
Escalated conflict arising from non-criminal behaviour such as lies and deceit to avoid the natural consequence and self preservation do not justify acts or words of abuse, but the human reaction of anger, disgust, jealously, fear and reduced self worth are normal.
Mental health, addiction, opposing discipline styles, financial problems and social pressures have an impact on a persons capacity to problem solve. Coupled with the emotional response to escalated conflict, abuse and violence
That’s why Victims and Perpetrators both need help. Any accountability measures in the Criminal Courts with burdens of proof upon intention are likely dismissed by the assembled defence team. To prove intention to harm in such an intimate setting becomes an game of point scoring observations that may not be the reality.
People in relationships need to recognise and learn how to exit with grace and dignity. Respectfully accepting it’s over.
We are conditioned through the obligations of institutions to tolerate, mitigate and protect the behaviour that would be publicly rejected, because we are family. We are bound by legal agreements in finance and the moral responsibility of parenting and again rely on the other person to detach from the impact of rejection, resentment and revenge, so mutual care taking decisions can be made.
When looking at perpetrators, Police, authorities and those making the assessment must be able to consider:
- Perpetrators’ can cause and exacerbate existing mental health or addiction issues of their partners or family members.
- Perpetrators’ interfere with their partners or family members treatment and use their involvement with treatment against them.
- The Family Court and Child Protection, may be more negatively perceived in a victims’ mental health and addiction issues more than the perpetrators’ coercive control, because of their ‘feedback’ about the victims mental health and their ability to project as calm and rationale (in control).
- Practitioners and organisations may have blindspots regarding how current coercive control dynamics are impacting on the survivors’ mental health and addiction treatment.
For references
Many survivors and victims of abuse need their supporters to stand beside them and step infront of the perpetrator and say.
“You are being abusive. Here are the behaviours. You are willing to engage in behaviours that are harm your family and they are willing to tell you is harming them and you feel ENTITLED to do it because of your own trauma, your past, your religion, deeply held beliefs or what you think your family structure should look like, whatever it is, but if you intend to live happily with other people, and they tell you that you are harming them, by your behaviour then you need to stop.
Most people who are choosing to abuse their family have done so because they feel ENTITLED and the culture is supporting it. Whether it’s the systems, processes or social norms we need to focus on behaviours, hold the abuser accountable”
Succinctly;
- The behaviour you are engaging in is harming your family.
- You are choosing these behaviours.
- It is also harming and impeding your own choices to be with them.
ACCOUNTABILITY, SHAME, or SEEN AS A BAD PERSON.
For most couples and families, it is a dynamic in the relationship that creates the conflict. Opposing opinions, polarised parenting strategies, altruistic attitudes and a lack of friendship. Accepting others as they are, making choices to limit your exposure to them or holding them to account, delivers strong messages and set up boundaries.
This subtle form of rejection creates shame and humiliation which remain the two strongest emotional drivers of compliance in relationships, in particular for men, and the patriarchy.
NATURAL CONSEQUENCES.
Every behaviour has natural consequences. It’s a funnel of feedback that is filtered according to past experiences, the relevance of the information and it’s impact on the individual.
Individual organisation’s addressing the issues of domestic violence, abuse and control form only one part or a silo in the ecosystem and landscape that without consideration of the others systems, impede, perpetuates, sabotage, cause and exasperate the situation. Despite it being a natural consequence.
A civil protection order may lead to a criminal charge. A criminal charge will impact of employment opportunities and travel. Employment impacts on financials and mental health. The interventions and deterrants are widely known yet often ignored.
This current state engages Family Court, Child Protection, Civil Protection, Criminal Law and impacts on health, education, employment, housing and finances. Therefore, specialised programs, courts and support are the key to addressing each element in the wheel of control.
This reductionism of silos that service the DFV landscape, pressurises the systems that affect the ability of the ecosystem of domestic violence.
Outcomes.
Forcing victims to hold their partners or family accountable for their behaviour, something that wasn’t present in the relationship before an intervention, is both onerus and dangerous. Survivors need time and space to heal, not the added pressure of enforcing behavioural change.
Perpetrators will and do get their victims committed to mental health assessments and programs, reporting their behaviour in a context that would under another lens, be recognised as reactive abuse.
Barriers
- Education in Mental Health and Addiction Programs without mandating course in Domestic and Family Violence.
- Perpetrators of Domestic Violence is not a mental health diagnosis.
- There is no training in marriage, family therapy and addiction regarding Violence and Sex.
- Fear of physical safety and lawsuits, especially Family Court – makes professionals less direct in documentation and softer in recommendations based on their skills in analysis and expertise. In particular in the fear of retaliation of a complaint.
In summary, survivors are faced with the harsh reality of saving themselves, by not putting themselves at the coalface of opportunities for the perpetrator to abuse or control them. Defying expectations, following through on consequences and overcoming the barriers of the system are exhausting. Being able to recognise for yourself where and when the systems can help you and embrace the freedoms and rights afforded to you as a human are cornerstones in recovery.
Patience is the weapon of choice by the strong.
‘Patience can help us achieve our goals, maintain a more positive outlook on life, and make us less reactive, which in turn will make us less prone to bad decisions. Stress, regret, and anger don’t help anything. So when you’re facing an uncertain future, a negative event, or something scary, take a minute. Don’t do anything. Just sit a spell. And if you find your brain veering in a negative direction, take note of some positive quotes about lifeto get yourself back in the right frame of mind to make better decisions.
We won’t pretend that exercising patience is easy. It’s not. Just take a deep breath, just breathe.’
To understand more about perpetrator psychology click here.
